


Not another Loser

by roman (romanzsasz)



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Angst, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Homophobia, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Like 17, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Slow Build, but they are older, but they can't admit it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2020-10-27 17:49:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 37,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20764448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romanzsasz/pseuds/roman
Summary: "Guys, I have someone I really want you to meet." Eddie rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling with tears in his eyes, "This is Sammy." The words that Richie said at lunch time echoing around his head like they have been for most of the day, "My girlfriend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> lol, another fic? yeah i now, sorry lol but i'm just sharing the love for my boys
> 
> sending credit to maya, my dear trashmouth, for the title

_"Guys, I have someone I really want you to meet._" Eddie rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling with tears in his eyes, "_This is Sammy._" The words that Richie said at lunch time echoing around his head like they have been for most of the day, _"My girlfriend."_ He was happy for Richie, of course he was they were best friends and he seemed happy and he wanted him to be happy but... but not with _her_ and when they kissed in front of everyone he had to make a quick excuse because he thought he actually _was_ going to be sick. He didn't want Richie to be in a relationship with this girl, _he_ wanted to be in a relationship with Richie and he feels a little hurt because he really thought they were going somewhere with all the extra flirting and lingering touches but Eddie realised it must have been wishful thinking; of _course_ Richie wasn't going to be like him, Richie likes _girls_ and Richie isn't... he isn't...

  
Eddie rolled onto his side and pulled his duvet close to him as the tears fell again. He's spent his whole life being protected from every and any illness possible and yet he's still _sick_ and he wished there was something he could do but he couldn't ask anyone or they'd all know... they'd all know who he _is_, _what_ he is, and he didn't know if he could cope with losing everyone he ever loved. He's already lost Richie, he's been with this Sammy for _three months_ behind their backs and really Eddie should have realised because although there had still been flirting and more touching, Richie wasn't with the Losers as much as normal which means that he was probably with Sammy who was so pretty and seemed to match Richie in some weird way, they just looked good together; her blonde hair was a contrast to Richie's dark curls and she laughed at his jokes even though she didn't make many herself, she was tall so their height difference wasn't awkward like what his and Richie's despite the fact they hit puberty several years ago Eddie is still waiting to pass five foot five while Richie was almost five foot ten, Eddie believed he'd be six foot in the next few months.

  
Eddie pulled the covers over his mouth to hide any noise from his mother, he didn't want to explain what was going on, that he was seventeen and experiencing his first ever heartbreak because his best friend, who also happens to be a boy, doesn't want to date him... That he was sick and no amount of medication (real /or/ fake) was going to fix him. He glanced at his alarm clock and saw it was nearly six in the morning, that he had to be up in an hour for school and he still hadn't slept and Eddie doubted he was going to. There was no chance now, he was such an idiot for spending his night worrying instead of trying to sleep.

  
He rolled out of bed and kept the top sheet over him as he left his room, walked down the hall and into the bathroom, making sure to lock it behind him. Eddie turned the light on and winced at his own face, he didn't think missing one nights worth of sleep would affect him so much but the bags under his eyes were so dark he doubted even raiding his moms makeup bag for concealer would help like it has in the past; his skin was red and blotchy from crying and his eyes were sore, puffy and bloodshot. He felt disgusting and as he got into the shower he couldn't help but think _no wonder Richie could never like me._

By the time Eddie got to school the rest of the losers were already stood outside, waiting for him, Sammy was clinging onto Richie who was smiling widely at her. They seemed to be in their own little world and Eddie wished he listened to his mom who said he looked too ill to go to school, for once he wished he let her smother him like she always has. He went to turn back, go to a payphone and call his mom to pick him up because he wasn't well and risk the fact she would drive him to the doctors in an instant and she'd keep him under quarantine, he wouldn't even fight it, but as he turned around Richie spotted him; "Eds! Man, where you going? School ain't even started yet!" Eddie sighed and walked towards his friends instead of the gates.  
"Don't call me that."  
"Wow, Eds, you look like _shit_..." Richie moved away from Sammy and walked over to Eddie, his face was full of concern as he held Eddie's face in his hands, Eddie tried not to blush, "Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine, just... just didn't sleep well last night." Richie frowned.  
"You know you can call me, right?" Eddie smiled, he might not have Richie as a boyfriend but at least he was still his best friend.  
"I know, I just... I couldn't... uh, mom... she fell asleep by the phone... and..." Richie smiled and laughed.  
"No need to explain yourself to me man, just as long as you know I'm here for you."  
"Thank you."  
"No pr..."  
"Richie, come here a second babe." Sammy said, staring at the two in front of her from where she sat on the steps, Richie let go of Eddie's face and went straight to her, holding her hand as soon as he was close and kissing her cheek. Eddie frowned.  
"You s-s-sure you're okay, E-E-Eddie?" Bill asked.  
"I guess," Eddie looked away from the couple as they started kissing, he knew if he stared for a second longer he'd start crying again and his face still hurt, "I'm just tired."  
"We're having a film night at Bill's tonight, are you interested?" Beverly put her arm around Eddie's shoulder, pulling him close, "His parents are out of town and said we can all stay as long as we promise to keep the place clean."  
"Uh... um, okay," Eddie shrugged, "I'm sure mom would be okay with it if I just told her it was just Bill and I, otherwise she'd flip out."  
"S-s-say what you g-g-gotta." Bill said.  
"Yeah, won't be the same if you don't come," Ben said, standing next to Beverly, "It's always weird when the losers are always down a member."  
"At least Bev won't be the only girl anymore," Mike piped in, "Not with Sammy there too."  
"Sammy... she's coming?" Eddie tried not to frown anymore than he already was.  
"Couldn't really invite Richie without her, he might have said no if we didn't," Stan eyed him up and Eddie felt smaller than he was under his gaze, "She wants to be a loser too," Eddie felt his stomach twist, "You sure you're okay?"  
"Yeah... yeah, I just remembered I... I... I'm supposed to be somewhere," Eddie moved away from Bev, barely even glancing at any of them, especially Richie and Sammy, as he walked towards the school entrance, "See you guys at lunch." He ignored the way Richie called after him, he really couldn't deal with seeing him right now and he was thankful that he wasn't in a class with any of his friends for first period, he sat next to Richie in second and third but Eddie didn't want to blank his friend forever, just for an hour as he tried to get his head around the fact _Sammy_ wanted to be in the _losers club_ and everyone was just letting her. He knew that they just let Ben tag on and Mike do the same but that was different, they were losers and they were all in the same predicament with the same bullies but Sammy _wasn't _a loser, she was pretty and quite popular, people actually _liked_ her and Eddie doesn't see why all his friends like her so much when they've only known her five minutes and that they'd invite _Sammy_ to Bill's after school before they even asked him.

  
It hurt, he didn't think it would hurt _this_ much but it does and it sucks. He sighs into an empty classroom as he took his assigned seat in the middle of the room, he was way too early and he felt sad that he felt better here than with his best friends, he didn't really want to go to Bill's tonight but if he says no now they'd start to get suspicious as to why he keeps running off and won't hang out with them. He heard how sad Richie sounded this morning when he walked away without even looking at him, he couldn't go and not spend time with him after school, he'd miss his best friend too much. Eddie put his forehead on his desk and shut his eyes for a minute, the cool surface and darkness relieving the headache that was forming; all he has to do is get over Richie, get over this stupid little crush because Sammy is good for Richie, of course she is, it breaks Eddie's heart but it's true.

  
_Sammy is better for Richie because she isn't Eddie._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sammy was there and she was sat in a seat with only one spare beside her and Eddie's heart broke into a million pieces when she called Richie over and he turned and said "You don't mind if I start sitting next to Sammy in this lesson, right?" and what was he supposed to say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really enjoying writing this so far, how can i love eddie more than humanly possible only to hurt him so much? idk

Eddie started to feel better during second period when Richie was by his side, it was almost like he could forget his friend was in a relationship as he laughed and joked and even flirted with him. He felt happier than he did since finding out about Sammy yesterday, Richie always found a way to make him smile and took 'I don't want to talk about it right now' as an answer when he questioned why Eddie left early this morning. Second period was always his favourite on a Friday because they'd have actual fun in class because their teacher was chill and didn't pull them up for talking as long as they got the work done, which they always did; Eddie would do anything to keep talking to Richie even if it meant writing English notes for a whole hour and double checked to make sure it was right so they didn't get split up. Then, when the bell rang, they'd pack up their stuff and Richie and Eddie would walk to third together, talking non-stop, as they went to grab a seat next to each other in Biology.

  
Only, Sammy was there, (Eddie never really noticed she was in his class but then why would he when he only focused on the lesson and on Richie?) and she was sat in a seat with only one spare beside her and Eddie's heart broke into a million pieces when she called Richie over and he turned and said "_You don't mind if I start sitting next to Sammy in this lesson, right?_" and what was he supposed to say? No, it's not alright because you're supposed to be my best friend and we always work together, we're _always_ lab partners, it's not alright because _I love you_? He couldn't, instead he nodded and said it was fine and Richie smiled so widely that Eddie wanted to break down because he couldn't seem to make Richie smile like that by himself anymore. He hadn't seen him smile at Eddie like that because of something Eddie has said in months and now he understood why as Richie went to take his space next to his girlfriend with the promise of finding a seat closer to Eddie next time.

  
Eddie went to sit by himself as far away from the couple as possible, he couldn't stomach sitting so close to hear them whisper and giggle like they did all of lunch yesterday. Eddie sighed, he just had to get used to it which was easier said than done when his stupid crush had no clue how much he was hurting him and he couldn't just get over it because how could he? He saw Richie every day, if something upset him he'd go straight to Richie and Richie would always, always be there but how could you tell someone you were upset when they were the one upsetting you?

  
The chair beside him remained empty throughout the lesson, his teacher started handing back test papers from last week and Eddie's heart clenched as she placed Richie's next to him, having to point out where he sat now was painful and the look of pity in her eyes just made him feel worse. It was always Richie and Eddie and in the space of a day it's become Richie or Eddie, the pen he was holding in his hand snapped and even when the ink leaked over his hand and shirt he couldn't bring himself to care. What's the point?

Eddie barely registered the noise of the bell going off, he was struggling to keep his eyes open at this point. He was annoyed at himself even more for staying up all night in tears because of something stupid because he didn't take a single note during the whole lesson, he didn't even bother getting a new pen out of his bag after snapping his and his mom is going to _kill _him if he goes home with dirty hands and dirty clothes; he just prayed he remembered his hand sanitiser because there was no way soap and water would get the mess of his hands.

"You coming Eds?" Richie asked, poking him in the arm making Eddie jump, he didn't even notice Richie walk over, "Whoa dude, what's with all the ink?"  
"Pen broke," Eddie shrugged, packing his stuff up and trying to find the hand sanitiser to and avoid looking at Richie and Sammy, "No biggie."  
"No biggie? It's everywhere."  
"It's only ink." he said, pulling the bottle out from the inside compartment in his bag and putting it straight into his pocket so he could clean himself up during lunch, the more he thought about it the more he could feel his skin itch.  
"Yeah but..."  
"Thanks for letting Richie sit beside me today," Sammy cut in, her voice forcing Eddie to look up at her as he put his backpack on, "You have _no_ idea just how difficult it is to look at Richie from afar and wish you could be the one sat next to him." Eddie had to bite his tongue from answering truthfully.  
"Whatever, it's just biology," Eddie ignored the confused look Richie pulled at his tone, "We going to lunch?"   
"Uh... Yeah, sure... Listen, Eds are you sure you're okay?" Richie asked, letting go of Sammy's hand to wrap his arm around Eddie's shoulders as they walked out of the class room and towards the cafeteria, "You've been a little off today and your eyes look sad."  
"How do his eyes look sad? They look no different from yesterday." Sammy said, her arms folded across her chest as she glared at Eddie but Richie didn't even notice, his eyes still on Eddie.  
"Come on Sammy, this is my Eddie Spaghetti we're talking about, of course I know what mood he's in through his eyes," Richie smiled at him, "We have that kind of connection." Sammy just scoffed in response.   
"Don't worry about me Richie, I'm just tired, like I said I didn't get any sleep last night."  
"Yeah, but _why_?"  
"Like I said, I don't want to talk about it right now."  
"Yeah, but..."  
"Richie leave him, he said he doesn't wanna talk so he doesn't want to talk, obviously it's not important." Sammy said, her tone sickly sweet that it made Eddie grimace, he knew what she was doing as she pawed at Richie's other arm.  
"Only if you're sure, Eds?" Eddie just nodded, scared he would snap at Sammy to leave them to talk but nothing good would come from that, "Okay." Richie pressed a kiss into Eddie's cheek before letting him go and wrapping his arm around Sammy who didn't look too impressed at the fact her boyfriend just kissed another boy and Eddie felt his face heat up, sure it was only on the cheek but _Richie kissed him_.

  
They spotted their friends almost instantly and walked towards their table, Richie and Sammy were quick to join in everyone's conversation about what films they were going to put on tonight and what snacks they were each going to bring but Eddie couldn't focus, the feeling of Richie's lips on his cheek still lingered and he felt warm all over. He must have been staring at Richie for too long because when he caught Sammy's eye she was scowling at him, he averted his eyes and stared at the sandwich his mom made for him, no longer feeling very hungry. Instead he pulled out the hand sanitiser and used it to scrub at his hands until they were stinging and most of the ink could be wiped off with a spare napkin on the table, the colour reduced to a pale blue that wasn't as noticeable as the black ink before, there was nothing he could do for his shirt besides pray his mother didn't notice.

  
Eddie kept his head down until he felt Sammy's eyes move away from him when Bev started up a conversation with her, he didn't really know what it was about besides the fact it got everyone interested as the topic changed from films to this new thing. Eddie chanced a look at Richie who was staring at his girlfriend with heart-eyes and Eddie didn't know how much more he could take of seeing Richie so loved up, it was only the second lunch time he was spending with Sammy despite how long they had been together but everyone else was treating her like she had always been a member. Eddie wondered if he was just being harsh, if it was just the jealousy getting in the way of him actually liking Sammy but she didn't seem to like him either, out of everyone yesterday when Richie was introducing her the only one she acted cold towards was Eddie and he didn't understand when her smile went tight and she managed to grit out _"Oh, Eddie, I've heard so much about you."_ Why was that such a bad thing? What had Richie said to make her dislike him already? Why wasn't she jealous of Bev, a girl who Richie was super close to? Why didn't she act funny towards Stan who was super close to Richie too? She smiled widely at them and jumped straight into a conversation with them both, jumped straight into a conversation with all the losers and won them over so quickly; everyone except for Eddie.

  
As soon as the bell rang, Eddie was slinging his bag over his shoulder and chucking his untouched lunch into the trash as he walked by with Ben and Mike to go to Maths as the rest of the losers separated to go to their respective classes. Eddie missed the hurt look his got from Richie as he walked away without saying goodbye to him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Bill opened the garage door for him, Richie's bike was already locked up alongside a purple one he didn't recognise which must have been Sammy's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof why can't i just make this a happy fic instead of an emotional rollercoaster for poor eddie, my sweetheart, im sorry:/
> 
> also the johnny depp bit i had to add only because i think about that moment 400 times a day

Arriving to Bill's house alone felt all kinds of weird, he was never alone when they whole gang was over because he always biked with Richie but, when Bill opened the garage door for him, Richie's bike was already locked up alongside a purple one he didn't recognise which must have been Sammy's. Eddie locked his up on the side away from the losers and if Bill noticed he didn't say anything.

  
They both walked inside, Bill briefly talking about which films they had planned to put on first but that's as far as the conversation went as they turned the corner into Bill's sitting room and he saw Sammy and Richie snuggled up on the arm chair, the same place Eddie and Richie always sit. It was the hammock all over again, Richie never shared so Eddie just started joining him, the losers never said anything and it quickly became _their_ chair but Eddie had to remember, just because they're best friends doesn't mean they do everything together anymore, Richie has a girlfriend who obviously comes first. The rest of the losers turned to greet him, smiling sadly and Bev patted the cushion on the floor on front of her and Eddie smiled back because at least Bev was thinking of him when they arranged the seating for the night. He bet he was sleeping away from Richie too, which sucked because they used to stay up later than the others and once they were asleep they'd talk and joke and try not to wake up the others before falling asleep sharing the blankets.

  
When Richie still hadn't noticed his arrival, too busy whispering in Sammy's ear to notice anything else around him, Eddie turned to follow Bill into the kitchen to give him the snacks he brought, "I think I want to go home." The words were out of his mouth before he could even think them and Bill's face looked shocked.

  
"W-why?" He asked, "You only just g-g-got here?"  
"I know, but I just don't think I'll be the best company tonight," Eddie was rambling, he knew it and tried to word his sentences without blurting out the truth, "I didn't sleep last night so I'm really tried and I feel a little sick and it may not be anything, but... It might be? So, it's probably best if I go, I mean, I wouldn't want any of you to catch whatever ever it is I might have and..."  
"E-E-Eddie, don't g-go," Bill didn't look shocked anymore, instead he just looked sad, "Please."  
"But, what if I really am sick? And I pass it on to you guys? I don't think..."  
"What's going on?" Eddie tensed at hearing Richie's voice from behind him, he could hear the small, impatient huff and he knew that Sammy would be attached to his hip.  
"E-Eddie wants to l-l-leave." Bill said.  
"Eds, what? Why?"  
"Don't feel good," Eddie said, shrugging instead of turning to face Richie, "What is this? A fucking intervention or can I go home?"  
"Eddie," Richie walked around to stand in front of Eddie, forcing him to look at him, "What is going on with you? I'm getting a little worried."  
"Nothing, okay? I just... I don't feel well, mom said..." Richie put his hands on Eddie's shoulders and Eddie couldn't help but glance at Sammy who had followed to stand behind Richie, she was scowling at Eddie again; she's always scowling at Eddie.  
"Whatever your mom said is probably bullshit, remember that she lied to you for _years_," Richie said, Eddie looked at Richie's face instead of Sammy, he looked really worried and Eddie wanted to burst into tears, "Hey, don't cry okay? It's okay."  
"I... I just..." Eddie felt so stupid as he started sobbing in the middle of Bill's kitchen as the introduction menu of _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ played in the background, "I'm sorry."  
"D-d-don't be Eddie," Bill said, "W-w-we un-un-understand."  
"Hey, Bill, why don't you and Richie go take the snacks through? I'll wait in here to help calm Eddie down." Sammy suggested and Eddie's stomach dropped, he didn't want Sammy to stay with him, he wanted Richie because Richie always knew what to do, he knew all his issues and even though his mom isn't one of them right now he could easily pretend and it would make everything so much easier; but Sammy had no _clue_ what he's been through, not like his actual friends.  
"I don't know... maybe it's best if I stay with him," Richie said, "No offence babe, but I think in this situation it's just better for Eddie," He turned to face her and flashed one of his signature smiles and Eddie felt a little warmer seeing it even though it wasn't aimed at me, "I appreciate your offer but I don't think I'd want to leave Eddie when he's like this."  
"Fine..." Sammy huffed and Eddie felt a little guilty for crying but Richie was his best friend, Sammy has to learn to share him just like Eddie was trying to learn how to do that too, "I'll help Bill then."  
"Start the film without us, we'll be in before our favourite part; Johnny Depp in a crop top." Richie laughed and wrapped his arm around Eddie, Sammy didn't say anything but she was still frowning. She kissed Richie before grabbing the rest of the snacks with Bill, pushing past Eddie who stumbled but the apology she gave was fake and Eddie knew she did it on purpose.

  
Once the two had left the kitchen, Richie was pulling Eddie onto the floor, letting him sit between his legs, his back flushed to Richie's chest; it was a position that Richie found helped Eddie calm down during panic attacks, Eddie found that just being close to Richie helped calm him. He was still crying, but he wasn't making the gross sobbing noises anymore which he was thankful for, the kitchen was quiet for a few moments before Richie spoke up again, "So, you gonna tell me what your mom said?"  
"It's nothing, I know that now... I just, I don't know, I think I am sick."  
"What do you mean?" Richie put his chin on Eddie's shoulder, his arms around his waist, "What do you think you're sick with?"  
"Something people can't cure," Eddie whispered, "Something I'm going to be stuck with for the rest of my life."  
"No... no, that's just what your mom has told you," Richie said, "You're not sick, you had a bad nights sleep and it's catching up with you and that's all, it makes you feel like crap but whatever your mom has said is bullshit."  
"But what... what if it isn't?" Eddie could feel himself panicking again, wishing he had his inhaler that he hasn't touched properly since he found out his mom had been lying to him about everything, but it always seemed to help, "What if I really am sick Richie? I feel it... I feel sick."  
"No you don't, you're just tired and emotional," Richie said and Eddie was crying harder again because Richie didn't understand, how could he without Eddie telling him the truth about his sickness? "You're okay and I'm going to sit here with you until you feel better, okay?"  
"What about Sammy?"  
"What about her?"  
"She'll be upset if you don't go spend time with her."   
"I've spent most of my day with her, I'm always with her so I think she will be okay with me sitting with my Eddie Spaghetti."  
"Don't call me that."  
"But why not? You lurveeee it." Eddie laughed through his tears, Richie always managed to do that somehow.  
"Shut up."  
"No can do, sorry about that," Richie held him that little bit tighter, "You're okay Eddie, I promise you."  
"I'm sorry," Eddie said, wiping his eyes, "I'm a bit of a mess aren't I?"  
"Uh yeah, a hot mess." Eddie laughed again, he could feel his face warm up but he could blame the colour on his tears.  
"You say the cringiest things, you weirdo."  
"I'll stop saying them when you stop smiling." Richie's lips grazed Eddie's jaw as he spoke and it all felt a little too intimate but Eddie couldn't pull away despite knowing he should, that this was wrong and that Richie had no clue what this really meant to Eddie but he _couldn't_.

  
By the time Stan came to grab them from the kitchen because their favourite scene was on ("_Wow guys, you're over for a movie night and you're missing the movies._"), Eddie was almost asleep; he had never felt so comfortable in his whole life as he did in that moment. When they tried to stand up they had pins and needles in their legs and they were laughing loudly at each other as they awkwardly stumbled through into the sitting room but Eddie's smile dropped when he had to stop at the cushion in front of Bev and sit on the floor while Richie went to go cuddle in _their_ chair with Sammy. He couldn't even admire the way Johnny Depp looked in his crop top because he couldn't stop admiring the way Richie was enthusiastically explaining _why_ it's the best scene in the movie ("_Uh, it's Johnny Depp in a crop top? Do I even really need to explain that?_), when he caught Richie's eye Eddie blushed when he smiled at him like some stupid kid with a dumb crush which he came to realise that was exactly who he was; a stupid kid with a dumb crush.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I was on the couch, ya know, directly above you last night and whenever I woke up you were already awake," Bev said, "I think you spent most of the night sat up against the bottom of the couch."  
"Did I wake you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mostly just talking in this chapter but like i stan bev so much, we love supportive friendship and im like 1000% this i like 20 words long but it's sorta just filler, longer chapters start after this one, promise

On the Saturday morning after the movie night, Sammy had to leave early which meant Richie went with her to bike her home while the other losers all started making breakfast in the kitchen. Eddie was feeling more sick than hungry, only this time it wasn't sick from the way Richie and Sammy held hands as they left Bill's house together, it was the choked up sick feeling you get when you haven't slept _again_. He knew it would pass if he just took a damn nap but he found he couldn't sleep in the spot he was given last night, it just didn't feel right being so far away from Richie as his best friend cuddled with someone else so once again, his jealousy and stupid need for everything to remain the same kept him awake another night. Eddie stayed sat on the floor with his head resting on his knees as he tried to fight the headache and the nausea when something cold on his skin made him jump, "Jesus!" He looked up to see the sheepish smile of Bev who was holding a bowl and a mug in her hands.

  
"I'm sorry, but I didn't know how else to get your attention," she said, gesturing to the bowl, "I come bearing gifts of cereal and coffee?" Eddie smiled.  
"I'll take the coffee but I don't think I could stomach cereal right now." Bev shrugged and handed him the mug and sat down beside him, eating the cereal herself.  
"What's up?" she said around a spoonful of cheerios.  
"Huh?"   
"I was on the couch, ya know, directly above you last night and whenever I woke up you were already awake," She said, "I think you spent most of the night sat up against the bottom of the couch."  
"Did I wake you?"  
"No, I always sleep a little broken," Bev tapped her spoon against the bowl, "The rest of the boys are having a fight with the toaster right now and Richie won't be back for at least another..."  
"Richie is coming back?" Eddie said a little too quickly, looking at Bev.  
"Well, yeah? He said he was, he was just making sure Sammy was home safe."  
"Oh, I didn't hear him."  
"Is that what this is about?" Eddie eyed her suspiciously.  
"What are you on about?"  
"Richie and Sammy? Is that what's got you so highly strung or whatever?"  
"No."  
"You can talk to me, Eddie, you know that right?"  
"I can't talk to you about this Beverly, I wish I could but I really can't."   
"Has... has someone done something to you?" Bev put her half eaten bowl of cereal on the floor and sat up on her knees to look closely at Eddie.  
"No, nobody has done anything, this is just something about me... I... I can't talk about it, okay?"  
"Eddie, why can't you? Nothing can be that bad that you have to hide it from your best friends, does Richie know? Could I ask him."  
"No!" Eddie put his untouched coffee down beside him and hugged his knees close, "Don't even mention anything about this conversation to Richie, don't even /hint/ that there's something wrong with me."  
"What _is_ it?" Beverly put her hands on his knees, "Please, you're worrying me."  
"Don't be worried, just don't mention this to Richie, don't tell him _anything_."  
"Is this because Richie has a girlfriend? You... you don't _l__ike_ Sammy do you?"  
"No, not even close Bev, just drop it."  
"Is it because Richie has been hanging out with her more than you? Or is it because you want a girlfriend? Because I know that Amy in Ben's art class thinks you're cute so I could..."  
"I don't _want_ to date Amy, I don't _want_ to date Sammy, I don't _want_ a girlfriend because I'm not into _girls_." Eddie snapped, it all went silent for a moment except for the shouts coming from the kitchen. Eddie felt like he was going to throw up as he looked at Beverly's shocked face and wide eyes and he knew he had fucked up.  
"Eddie, are... are you trying to say you're..."  
"I'm not anything!"  
"Gay?" Beverly's finished, ignoring Eddie's protests completely and Eddie knew he couldn't lie to her now.  
"Gay?" Eddie tried the word out for size, it was the first time he had ever said it about himself before and he hated the way it felt when he used it because it felt /right/ when it should feel so _wrong_, "I'm... I'm not, I'm just sick."  
"Liking boys doesn't make you sick."  
"Yes it does Bev, how many other boys do you know like me?"  
"There's probably loads, Eddie."  
"Yeah, but around here? How many people are out and proud and happy around here? If I want to be happy, or at least alive, I can't be this way."  
"You don't really get a choice."  
"Shut up!" Eddie felt his hands shaking, "Just shut up okay? Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I've _tried_ to change? I can't be this way, I really can't Bev and I don't know what to do."  
"Who else knows about this?"  
"You and me."  
"How long have you known?" Eddie looked down at the floor, almost ashamed of his answer.  
"About four or five years."  
"And you've kept it to yourself this whole time? No wonder you aren't sleeping Eddie, having this secret weighing you down," She moved to sit beside Eddie again, pulling him into a side hug and Eddie rested his head on her shoulder, "Are you going to tell the rest of the losers?"  
"Not a chance, I can't afford this getting out... not only would it be bad for me at school but at home as well, imagine if my mom caught wind of it? I'd be going to every single conversion camp ever set up to try and fix me and the worst thing is, is that I'd probably let her."  
"Oh Eddie..."  
"Please keep this a secret?" Beverly nodded against his hand and hugged him that little bit tighter, their breakfast going forgotten as they just sat there; the boys in the kitchen were still yelling and at one point the fire alarm went off with the shout of '_For fucks sake Bill!_' but nobody came in to disturb them and it was peaceful and...  
"Calm down guys! I have returned! You can all stop missing me now," _peaceful moment ove_/, Eddie thought as the front door slammed shut and Richie's voice carried throughout the house, "Where is my Eddie Spaghetti?"  
"Sitting room with Bev!" Mike called back.  
"Ah, there he is," Richie said, leaning in the doorway, "My dear Spaghetti man."  
"Don't call me that," Eddie felt the smile on his face and he didn't really care how stupid he may look, "How many times do I have to tell you?"  
"Just a few million more because I'm not going to listen to you," He said walking over to his two friends, he picked up Eddie's coffee and moving it out of the way so he could sit down next to him, "What's with the hug-fest?"  
"Uh..."  
"Mike, Ben, Bill and Stan are unsupervised in the kitchen, the first alarm has already gone off several times, Eddie and I are really just huddling for our lives." Bev said, smiling down at Eddie and he could have kissed her for how easy she could lie to Richie.  
"I'll protect Eddie, maybe you should go check on them."  
"Why me?"  
"Beverly, Beverly, Beverly... do you really trust _me_ to go sort those boys out?" Richie said, "I'd probably start the fire that burns this place down." Bev laughed.   
"I guess you're right," She let go of Eddie and stood up, "I swear I'm more of a mother than a friend." She muttered as she collected the bowl and mug and left to go to the kitchen.   
"How you feeling?" Richie asked, stretching his arms and letting one rest on Eddie's shoulders.   
"Still tired." Eddie shrugged.   
"You didn't sleep well did you?"  
"Is it that obvious?"  
"The bags under your eyes give you away but I didn't sleep too good either, would have come and sat with you but Sammy is a cuddler so once she's latched on, that's it, there's no moving." Richie laughed and Eddie tried not to frown.   
"You really like her... Don't you?" Richie smiled softly and the look broke Eddie's heart because he knew that answer just from that.   
"Yeah, I think I do?" He said, "She's the first girl I've been with who actually wanted to date me and not just screw around, she's pretty and smart and kind and it's great she wants to get to know you guys too," Richie pushed his glasses up his nose, "I... I like how she makes me feel and I like how she laughs at my jokes, I like sitting in the armchair with her almost as much as I like sitting in it with you."  
"Huh?" Richie turned to look at Eddie, the soft look now aimed directly at him.  
"You're my best friend, without you'd I'd be lost and I know I have a girlfriend and I know, maybe, it might feel like I'm being weird and like I'd rather do things with her but... But I'd still do anything for you, give me a call and I'll be there."  
"You... You asshole, you're being too kind and I don't know whether to cry or throw up." Eddie said, smiling widely and laughing loudly.   
"You know... the armchair is free now, we didn't get to watch _Dirty Dancing_ last night... we could hijack the TV and steal the chair, if you're interested?" Richie smirked, squeezing Eddie's shoulder and Eddie just nodded because _of course_ he wants to cuddle up to Richie in their chair and watch one of their favourite feel good movies; Richie always got to be Johnny when they acted out scenes (which was _all _the time, Richie promised that one day they would learn the dance) but Eddie didn't even mind being Baby despite the fuss he always made.

  
Eddie stood to the side as Richie set up the video and then climbed into the armchair, Eddie grabbed his blanket off the floor before attempting to climb into Richie's lap quite like the hammock, it was always awkward and they both end up getting kicked in the face. It would be so much easier to both sit the same way, like they sat on the kitchen floor last night _(like Richie sat with Sammy)_ but he knew they couldn't, plus now Bev knew that he was sick so he couldn't make it too obvious about how sick he really was. Maybe Bev could handle his secret if he didn't act on his feelings, if he didn't act on the urges he gets. It just hurt, they could all date other people and that was okay, that was fine because it was normal but Eddie had to live in his repressed little world because he was _wrong_.

  
"Hey, Eds, what's up?" Richie asked once they got comfortable, bringing Eddie out of his thoughts, "Where'd your cute little smile go?" Eddie laughed and covered them both with the blanket.  
"Nowhere, asshole."  
"We've been gone too long, Dirty Dancing is on!" Ben called out as he walked into the sitting room, Mike in tow.  
"And they got the armchair!" Mike shouted over his shoulder to the others in the kitchen.  
"Hello boys, just in time to witness some art are we?" Richie said, gesturing to the film, "Took you long enough, what the fuck have you all been doing?"  
"Making breakfast, duh," Stan said, walking through the door and over to the two boys in the chair, "Thanks for the help."  
"Not allowed in the kitchen, might burn the place down with you guys in there, plus your fire alarm kept worrying Eddie." Richie said, taking one of the plates Stan was offering to them, Eddie just stared at the other one.  
"Okay, fine, next time breakfast is on you two if you think you can do a better job."  
"Oh, I _know _we can," Richie nudged him with his foot, "Ain't that right spaghetti man?"  
"Don't call me that." Eddie muttered.   
"Are you going to take this plate or not Eddie? I'm not standing here for the good of my health," Stan said, pushing the plate closer to Eddie, "We cooked it properly and everything, trust us."  
"It's not that," Eddie said, taking the plate from Stan, staring at the cooked breakfast in front of him, his friends really had gone to town with the food, "I'm just no that hungry."  
"Y-y-you're kidding, r-right?" Bill asked, sitting on the couch next to Mike, a space left between them where Stan sits, "Y-y-you h-haven't really e-eaten."   
"Told you he wasn't hungry," Bev said, taking her seat on the small sofa next to Ben, he legs going straight onto his lap, "Tried feeding him this morning."  
"Shut up," Eddie snapped, Stan backed off and took his seat, taking his breakfast from Bill, "I'm fine, whatever, I'll fucking eat it, Jesus, can we just watch the film now?"  
"Certainly sir," Richie said, grabbing the remote and pressing play, "Your wish is my command."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's one thing that Eddie noticed a month after Richie introduced Sammy to their friendship group and that is the fact she's always there. Richie still sat next to her in biology and Eddie still had no lab partner, she joined in with all of their activities even if she wasn't invited. He realised that somehow she had set herself firmly as a loser and he hated it.

There's one thing that Eddie noticed a month after Richie introduced Sammy to their friendship group and that is the fact she's always there. Richie still sat next to her in biology and Eddie still had no lab partner, she joined in with all of their activities even if she wasn't invited. He realised that somehow she had set herself firmly as a loser and he _hated_ it.

  
Sammy was loud and bubbly but she felt fake to Eddie but he guesses it's just because they don't get on, she tries too hard to be a loser when she really wasn't and made such a big deal about being in their friendship group, trying to make it sound cool when the whole point about being the losers is the fact they all really were, just plain and simply, a bunch of losers. Sammy was always clinging onto Richie, everything he used to do with him no longer happened and the thing that hurt Eddie the most was Richie had lied when he said he'd always be there for him, _just call and I'll answer_, it was all fucking bullshit. 

  
Richie used to come around at stupid o'clock, hide his bike in the neighbours hedge, climb the trellis that no longer had any flowers growing and knock five times on the window. Always five times, always in the same pattern or /knock, knock, knock, pause, knock knock/, Richie said it was to make sure Eddie knew it was him like he often had people scaling his house and knocking on his windows but Eddie didn't mind. He always opened the window and let him in, Richie staying over more times than not, sneaking out super early so Sonia never caught him and those visits meant so much to him. Eddie would call needing the company because he was sad or hurt or lonely or they just missed each other and Richie would be over as fast as possible. Richie hasn't done that for a few weeks and it was always the same excuse '_sorry, I'm with Sammy_' and Eddie would hang up and hide in his room.

  
It was a Wednesday and he should be at school but he wasn't, he was never one for skipping but he couldn't face Richie. Eddie had called him last night in tears, tension had been building up between him and his mother after she found out he hadn't been picking up his 'prescription' in a while and they finally snapped which lead to a lot of awful words shouted at each other; Eddie had spoken the truth, telling her he doesn't need to be on any medication because they were all fake while she had cried and shouted about how Eddie was a disgraceful child, how he was ungrateful for the care and support she gave him, that he was sick and /needed/ all the help he could get. It had struck something within Eddie, the way she called him useless and a disappointment when all he ever did was try his best to be good and to do well at school and to help out as much as he could, he just didn't want to live his life through the fear of having some form of illness that could kill him but maybe he did because when he called Richie only ten minutes later when his mother went to her room he was left so heartbroken he was convinced it was a heart attack.

  
_Eddie dialed the number and waited for it to go through, twirling the cord in his fingers as it rang and rang and rang. His sobs only got louder the longer it took for Richie to answer, redialing every time it went straight through, he finally answered the phone with an annoyed huff which just made Eddie cry even harder._

  
_"R-Richie?"_

  
_"What is it Eddie?" Richie asked, "I'm really busy and... wait... are you crying?"_

  
_"Richie... I... can you..." Eddie choked on his words, wiping at his face to try and help calm him down, "Please can you..."_

  
_"Richie, what's taking so long?" Eddie's heart dropped when he heard the muffled voice but he knew who's it was._

  
_"Sams, I'll be five minutes babe," Richie had moved the receiver from his mouth but Eddie still heard everything, "Sorry, what's wrong Spaghetti?"_

  
_"Fuck you."_

  
_"What?"_

  
_"I said, fuck you Richie, don't fucking call me that."_

  
_"Whoa, chill out Eddie, what's happened?"_

  
_"I don't even know why I bothered to fucking call you."_

  
_"What's that supposed to mean."_

  
_"I think you know exactly what I mean, so much for 'I'll always be there for you Eddie'," Eddie grit his teeth, "You're so full of bullshit."_

  
_"And you're so full of issues that I guess maybe I'm just getting annoyed at your constant phone calls," The sharp intake of air from Eddie almost echoed throughout the room, he felt panicky now, like he really couldn't breathe, "Shit, Eds, I..." _

  
_"Oh... sorry for bothering you."_

  
_"Eddie, wait, please, Eds let me..." Eddie didn't respond, he didn't let Richie finish talking, he just put the phone down, staring at it for a moment before dragging himself up to his room._

  
Eddie ended up crying so much throughout the night he had made himself sick, his throat was sore and his eyes stung. He didn't understand what was happening to his friendship with Richie, he was trying so hard not to act any different around him when Sammy was there, he was always kind to her and did his best to seem like he liked her. His mother's words rang through his head, _useless, disrespectful, uncaring, pathetic_, he was crying again as pressed his forehead against the cool surface of the toilet lid and the fact he had his face so close to something so vile made him want to throw up even more because no matter how much his mom bleached it, it was still disgusting. His whole body ached from the lack of sleep, his head hurt from the crying and he was full of a weird combination of anger and heartbreak when Richie's words got louder over his mothers; _And you're so full of issues that I guess maybe I'm just getting annoyed at your constant phone calls._

  
Richie never complained before, they used to talk on the phone nearly every day and Richie _never, ever_ told him he was annoying, not like that. They were best friends but now there was a wedge between them with blonde hair and a loud laugh, she was tearing them apart and Eddie didn't even know if she was aware she was doing it, which meant it was probably all Eddie's fault which meant he was probably driving the wedge in his own friendship. He threw up again.

After a few hours his mom came up the stairs to coax him out of the bathroom and for once, he let her fuss him and feed him some pills that were probably nothing and felt a little uneasy on his stomach, Eddie tried and nearly managed to convince her to not call a doctor or rush him to the emergency room ('_But Eddie-Bear! You're throwing up! I'm so worried!_') with a promise that if he was still ill tomorrow he would go. He just prayed that he could get his emotions in check which was hard when he saw the disappointment in his mothers eyes at his refusal to get checked out but he was so tired to even care right now, his mother could easily forget what hurtful shit she says to him or maybe she didn't care that he was hurt but the guilt she made him feel did wonders to get him to do whatever she wanted, Eddie was so wrapped around her little finger that it made his skin crawl; he let her call the doctor.

  
The rest of the day seemed to drag, the doctor came and went and he had to awkwardly explain that he wasn't sick he was just having a hard time which made him throw up but their doctor knew all about their situation and told his mother it wasn't anything serious but give him this blah blah blah and Eddie sighed, he didn't want to take any more bullshit medication that just fed into his mother's twisted fantasies of having such an ill child, but the doctor was weak or maybe he was just scared of Sonia (something Eddie understood more than anyone) and Eddie was drinking a foul tasting mixture of God knows what. He didn't leave his bed again once the doctor left and his mom stopped fussing, he stayed wrapped up in his little burrito of sadness thinking about how he should apologise to Richie because he was right, he was annoying and he didn't want to lose him no matter who he dates. They've been friends for as long as he remembers, he couldn't let some stupid crush get in the way of things.

  
Around dinner time the phone started ringing, nobody often calls and Eddie could hear his mom snoring downstairs when he dragged himself out of bed to see of she would answer it. When his mom didn't stir, he kept the duvet wrapped around him tightly and snuck downstairs to answer it, trying not to move too fast because he was feeling light headed from throwing up everything he ate last night and only eating the medication he was given rather than actual food. He sat at his little kitchen table to answer his phone, his knees feeling a little weak and the last thing he wanted was to pass out on the phone.

  
"Hello?"

  
"Eddie!" Eddie smiled at hearing Bev's voice, "Where are you?"

  
"I'm at home, I'm not well."

  
"This isn't because of...?"

  
"No, I'm actually sick this time," Eddie said, knowing exactly what Beverly was meaning so he was only partly lying, "I've been throwing up all morning."

  
"We're all missing you, it's weird when we're a couple of friends down."

  
"What do you mean a couple of friends, who else is sick?"

  
"Richie, well he isn't sick, he's just really sad? He won't talk to us about why, he's just been keeping to himself and Sammy."

  
"Oh..."

  
"Oh what? Do you know what happened?" Beverly asked.

  
"We had a fight last night, I said some pretty mean things to him because he told me the truth."

  
"What do you mean by that?"

  
"Shouldn't you be at school? How are you calling?"

  
"Pay phone around the corner, don't change the subject."

  
"Basically," Eddie sighed, rubbing his eyes, "I got into a fight with my mom and it got kinda ugly with what we said to each other, I rang Richie up because I just needed to talk to someone and I told him to fuck off because he called me out on my issues."

  
"Issues? What issues? He isn't being rude about you being gay is he?"

  
"Beverly!" Eddie snapped, "Don't fucking say shit like that in public, what the fuck?"

  
"Calm down, I'm sorry," her tone was softer, "But he wasn't, was he?"

  
"I haven't told anyone else Bev, I wasn't ever supposed to tell you and I'd really rather not keep having this conversation, I'm not gay I'm just sick, okay?"

  
"You're gay, Eddie, it's alright."

  
"I'm going to hang up."

  
"No, no please don't," Beverly begged, "I'll drop it, okay? What was Richie talking about then, if he still has no clue?"

  
"He just told me I was annoying because I call him up complaining too much."

  
"Thats unfair."

  
"It's true, I respect that, honestly, I interrupted his time with Sammy and it's my fault, I'm the useless friend who can't take a hint."

  
"Don't call yourself that."

  
"It's what mom said last night, she's right and its okay Bev, I understand what she means."

  
"Why are you really off school?"

  
"Because I'm throwing up, I'm not lying about that."

  
"But why are you throwing up?"

  
"I..." Eddie was cut off when muffled voices got louder on the other line, he could make out Bill's stutter and Stan's concerned voice.

  
"The others want to let you know we miss you."

  
"I miss them too."

  
"Stan wants to know if you'll be in tomorrow."

  
"Maybe." Eddie listened to his friends as Beverly repeated the information, telling them all to shut up when they started yelling too loud.

  
"Eddie, Richie wants to know if..."

  
"I'm sorry Beverly," Eddie cut in quickly, "I gotta go my mom's waking up and I'll be in so much shit if she sees me out of bed and on the phone."

  
"But..."

  
"Miss you all, bye." He put the phone down, his breathing panicked as he clutched his duvet closer to him. His mom wasn't awake, she was still asleep in her arm chair but he wasn't ready to talk to Richie yet, he still hadn't thought of a good enough apology. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt groggy as he looked at his alarm clock that said it was a little past one in the morning and Eddie was so confused as to what was going on until he heard it again, a little louder (Knock, knock, knock, pause, knock, knock).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so enjoying writing this lmao

_Knock, knock, knock,_ pause, _knock, knock_, Eddie stirred, his eyes opening slowly as the noise repeated itself. He felt groggy as he looked at his alarm clock that said it was a little past one in the morning and Eddie was so confused as to what was going on until he heard it again, a little louder (_Knock, knock, knock, _pause_, knock, knock_) and he sat upright so fast he went a little dizzy but he didn't even stop to think about that as he scrambled out of bed and to the window, he paused seeing Richie there, Eddie was torn between letting him in or telling him to fuck off but when Richie started crying he realised he couldn't send him away right now. He opened the window and grabbed Richie, worried he was going to fall backwards when he missed the windowsill a few times while climbing in, when his feet were firmly planted on the floor and Eddie had shut the window again Richie was hugging him, muffling his sobs in his shoulder. Eddie held him tightly, usure what else to do, it was rare that Richie was the one crying when he came over and Eddie really had no idea what could have happened. Part of him felt really guilty in hoping that it was something to do with Sammy but when Richie hugged him even tighter and sobbed a little harder Eddie realised he didn't care what the cause was, all he wanted was for Richie to be okay and to stop crying.

  
They stood there for a few minutes until Richie had quietened down and pulled back, his hands on Eddie's shoulders and he just looked so _sad_ that it made Eddie sick, "What are you doing here Richie? What's wrong?"

  
"What am I _doing_ here?" Richie moved his hand and wiped his face and Eddie immediately missed the contact, "I'm here to apologise."

  
"For what?"

  
"Are you sure you're okay?"

  
"Yeah, probably, why?" Eddie went to sit on his bed and, surprisingly, Richie followed.

  
"Bevvy told me you were sick, she said she knew about our fight and man, you wouldn't even _talk_ to me at lunch," Richie said, "I was so worried, I've been feeling like utter shit about what I said."

  
"You shouldn't." Eddie shrugged, trying to seem unaffected by what Richie was saying, "You were right."

  
"No, I really wasn't, I was an asshole," Richie moved a little closer to him, he was slow like he was scared Eddie would do a runner, "I should never have said that, you were crying and you _needed_ me and I was a really bad friend."

"You're not a bad friend Richie, I know I'm annoying," Eddie tried to smile at him, "I get it, I need to learn how to handle shit by myself."

  
"I'm your best friend, it's my job to be there for you and I let you down," Richie sounded like he was going to start crying again, "Sammy told me to wait a bit longer before coming to see you which is why I didn't run over like as soon as you hung up, she wanted me to wait a couple of days but I couldn't do it, I couldn't leave this hanging over us any longer than I have to or it might ruin us."

  
"I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't know what to say to you," Eddie sighed and dropped his head onto Richie's shoulder, "I couldn't find a way to get 'sorry' to sound right; I didn't think about you and whether you were busy, I only thought of myself."

  
"I wasn't that busy, it was nothing I couldn't postpone I was just a horny teenager a little bummed out that I couldn't get my rocks off," Eddie tried to laugh and normally he would but any thought of Richie doing _anything_ like that with Sammy made him a little queasy, "I had you crying on the line and I had her nagging me to hang up and I should have snapped at her but I took it out on you and I really hope you can forgive me."

  
"Richie... I do, of course I do," Richie wrapped his arm around Eddie, "I was so scared I angered you but I was already pissed off and emotional and I was a mess and I took it out on you because you weren't at my beck and call and I'm sorry."

  
"Stop saying that Eddie, please, I don't want your apologies," Richie said, "I just want to make sure you're okay like I should have done yesterday."

  
"I am, I just had a fight with mom about my prescription."

  
"Because you aren't picking it up?"

  
"Yeah, and then when I do pick it up she finds them in the bin," Eddie sighed, "She said some choice words, called me some brilliant phrases and then stormed off, I was already emotional when I called you."

  
"I don't find you annoying."

  
"That wasn't the worst thing I was called last night, it just hurt more coming from you." Eddie admitted.

  
"What did your mom tell you?"

  
"It doesn't matter Richie."

  
"It matters to me." Eddie sighed and started picking at a loose thread on his cover near Richie's thigh.

  
"She told me I was ungrateful, that I was useless and pathetic and... And... She was just so mean? And I hate how much power she still has over me," Eddie said, his voice wavering, "Yesterday, I really was throwing up and the amount of shit she kept putting down my throat was unbelievable, I let her called the _doctor_ even though I knew I was only throwing up because I was crying so much but even he wouldn't tell my mom I was fine, just a wreck and gave her more medicine to give me."

  
"Jesus..."

  
"I don't even know what's in half the crap she's putting in me, I'm guessing it's nothing harmful because the doctors wouldn't do that... Right?"

  
"Yeah, of course Eds, they're medical professionals and wouldn't give you something that would hurt you, but it doesn't mean you should be forced to take them and be emotionally manipulated..." Richie held him tighter, resting his head atop of Eddie's, "She's abusing you Eddie and I wish I could take you away from it all."

  
"It's okay, one more year right? One more year and it's just me and you?"

  
"Our own little place, that nice apartment block we saw, that apartment with the balcony," Richie said, "Near the trees where the birds keep singing and the sun shines through them."

"Just our own little place away from all this bullshit," Eddie yawned, his eyes falling shut as he continued to lean on Richie, "One more year."

  
"Yeah, one more year." Richie rubbed his hip and it was quiet for a moment.

  
Eddie felt so at peace when he was beside Richie which never made any sense since he was such a loud mouth but he couldn't help it, he made him happy and Eddie tried to picture the little flat that they always talked about after they saw it three years ago and promised to make it theirs. He tried to picture it just being him and Richie like they always planned, their secret savings account they made, where they put shares of birthdays and Christmas money, of pocket money and the money from odd jobs, has enough to put a deposit down when they were ready. Eddie can remember the day Richie told him his gran had opened the account for him, that one day they would get the little flat and it always felt so serious, so possible but what about Sammy? Eddie tried to picture his little flat with Richie and while he imagined two bedrooms but they shared one and left the other for friends, he realised that the spare room would probably be his room so Richie could be with Sammy, Eddie tried to imagine how living with her would work and he hated it. He didn't want her in his safe space, this little world he and Richie had created, it's all that mattered to him.

  
"You should sleep," Richie said, breaking him out of his thoughts, "It's getting late."

  
"Stay the night?"

  
"Eddie..."

  
"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked," Eddie slipped out of Richie's hold, opening his eyes again and realising how close to falling asleep he really was, "You should go."

  
"I'll stay," Richie said, "I'm going to stay."

  
"Really?"

  
"I guess part of me expected to stay, I'm already in my pyjamas." Eddie laughed and shuffled up the bed and patted the space beside him, Eddie noticed the smile on Richie's face and he felt okay again; this stupid fight hasn't ruined them. They both got under the covers and naturally fell into curling up as close as they could to each other, knees touching and their faces close.

  
"I was worried." Eddie admitted as Richie took his glasses off, putting them on the bedside table and falling back into position.

  
"About what?" Eddie shut his eyes, trying to stop the shiver as Richie's breath ghost over his lips.

  
"This fight, I know we've had them before but this time it felt..."

  
"Different?"

  
"Yeah."

  
"I know what you mean, that's why I ignored Sammy's advice," Richie's laugh was empty, "Fuck, she's gonna be pissed."

  
"Why?"

  
"I think she just gets a little jealous, think she forgets that you're a dude, that I'm not gonna run off with you or anything," Eddie's heart stopped, "We're not like that, we're just friends."

  
"Yeah..." Eddie felt the tears and he was so fed up of crying, he can't remember ever being this emotional but then again Richie had never shown this much interest in someone else before, "We should sleep." Richie took a breath as if he was about to say something else but decided against it, settling down besides Eddie.

  
"Goodnight."

  
"Night."

  
Eddie didn't fall asleep until after Richie, he wanted to make sure he was totally out of it before linking their fingers together. He felt wrong for doing this behind his back, for holding his hand without permission but he couldn't help it when their hands felt so right together. Maybe he was gay, maybe he was meant to be with boys instead of girls and if that's the case then okay, he could learn to deal with it or hide it or _something_, if that's all he was then he could have maybe come to terms with how he felt but he could never come to terms with how sick he really was and how disgusting Richie would see him as if he woke up to see them holding hands or if he knew how much Eddie liked to be pressed up against him or how much he wanted to kiss him. He squeezed his hand before letting go and letting himself give into a dreamless sleep.

When Eddie woke up the next morning Richie was still in bed with him, their limbs tangled together because Richie was a restless sleeper but Eddie was so used to it that it didn't even keep him up anymore. Eddie smiled and felt himself drift back off when he realised it was a Thursday and it was a school day and _Richie was still with him_. He glanced at his alarm clock and saw that it was nearly half seven and Richie was normally gone by now, Eddie sat up, now wide awake, which caused Richie to mutter something and rouse from his sleep. Eddie knew he needed to get Richie up and out of bed before he got caught and... "_Eddie-Bear._"

  
"Shit, shit, shit." Eddie quickly tried to work out how fast Richie could get out of bed and climb out of the window so his mom didn't see but Richie was barely blinking up at him and he didn't even have his glasses and _fuck,_ he looked so cute. Eddie shook his head, now is NOT the time for those thoughts.

  
_"Eddie-Bear?"_ his mom called again and Eddie realised that this time she was pretty much outside his room.

  
"What's going on?" Richie asked, sitting up and stretching. Eddie cursed under his breath.

  
"Shut up." He snapped, pushing Richie back down and moving his pillow so it was covering the top of his head but not enough to suffocate him, rolling on top of him and pulling the covers up high just as his mom opened his bedroom door.

  
"You're awake." She said, almost like he shouldn't have been.

  
"I have school, I need to be awake."

  
"You're not going _today_, Eddie-Bear," his mom looked terrified, like Eddie just told her he'd planned on running away, "You're still sick."

  
"I'm not mommy, I'm feeling so much better, I think fresh air and being out of my room will do me good," Eddie could feel Richie trying not to giggle underneath him at his stupid pathetic voice he uses to talk to his mom with, "If I don't feel well, I promise I'll call home."

  
"No, you can't, I have to go see your aunt so there will be nobody home to come get you if needed, I can't allow you to..."

  
"What about if I just stay at the nurses office until you get home? She'll take care of me if I'm still sick." His mom was quiet for a moment before nodding, seeming satisfied.

  
"Yes, that should be fine, Eddie-Bear," She said, "I'll go make up your medication for today and leave it on the side for you, you just take it easy and do everything Janet tells you, okay?"

  
"Yes mommy."

  
"I'll know if you take them or not Eddie-Bear, don't hurt me anymore than you have done." Eddie felt his stomach twist but he nodded.

  
"Sorry mommy."

  
"Good boy, I'm leaving in five minutes, are you _sure_ you don't want me to stay?"

  
"I'm sure."

  
"Okay... If you change your mind just..."

  
"I'll be fine mommy, I'll take my medicine and go to the nurse if I feel bad, I promise." Sonia nodded, staring at Eddie that bit longer before leaving his room and shutting the door behind her. As soon as she was far enough away Eddie let the covers drop and pushed the pillow off Richie's face which was a _mistake_ because he was now laying on top of his best friend and their faces were so close together and Richie is smiling at him and his all messy on the bed and... and...

  
"Nice move spaghetti man." Richie said, his hand ghosting over Eddie's thigh and Eddie couldn't take it, he wanted to kiss him so badly and their lips were so close and... Eddie rolled off him and laughed out of despair and hoped it sounded humourous.

  
"I panicked," he admitted, "You overslept."

  
"I haven't slept that good in so long, I'm staying over more often," Eddie didn't dare look at Richie, he knew that he'd still be smiling at him and Eddie didn't think he could take that, "I'm gonna see if the coast is clear cos I gotta piss and then I'm making you breakfast." Eddie chanced a look at Richie, he was now wearing his glasses.

  
"It's nearly ten to eight?"

  
"So? I bet you didn't eat yesterday so we ain't leaving until you've eaten," Richie rolled onto his side and gently brushed some hair off Eddie's face, everything going quiet while Richie's hand lingered, their face getting that little bit closer until the noise of the front door shutting disturbed them and Richie shot up like he'd been burnt, "Okay, toilet then breakfast, meet you downstairs Eds." Richie didn't look back as he rushed out the room, and Eddie felt like he couldn't breathe, were they going to _kiss?_

  
He flopped onto his back and tried to push any 'what if's' away from his brain. Nothing was going to happen, Richie had told him that must last night, things just got a little weird because Eddie decided to lay on top of him, that's all. That's it. With a sigh, Eddie dragged himself out of bed and got out a change of clothes and laid them out, doing the same with some of the clothes that belonged to Richie that he was forever leaving behind. He listened out for the bathroom door opening before leaving his room so he could tell him about the clothes on the bed. Richie thanked him with a cheeky wink before going downstairs to make Eddie a 'breakfast you won't forget' while Eddie went to have a quick shower wishing that he could wake up everyday the same way he woke up today; with Richie by his side.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie went quiet for a minute, his walk slowing down until Beverly was several paces in front of him, "Eddie?" Beverly stopped walking and turned to face him, "What is it?"
> 
> "I... I need to tell you something."
> 
> "What?"
> 
> "Not here, not with everyone here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof

Richie left his bike in the hedge and walked besides Eddie to school, laughing as they joked and talked like they hadn't spoken in weeks and Eddie tried to ignore in the voice that was telling him it _had _been weeks since they walked to school together without someone else with them, Eddie just wanted to enjoy this time with his best friend without feeling like their friendship was strained. Richie had his arm around Eddie's shoulders, talking in stupid accents to emphasise some episode of a TV show he had found and Eddie really couldn't keep up what he was saying but he didn't even care because Richie was happy and he wasn't upset and all Eddie wanted to do was forget how Richie looks like with red rimmed eyes, crying over something Eddie had done wrong; he never wanted to see Richie cry like that over him ever again.

Richie removed his arm as they walked towards the front steps of school where the other losers sat, Eddie felt Sammy's unnerving glare directed at him straight away which didn't surprise him but Eddie wasn't quite expecting the hug he got from Bev when he and Richie walked to their friendship group, he stumbled backwards trying to stop them both from falling and he was so thankful that Richie was there to catch them both, laughing loudly.

  
"Hey Bev." Eddie said, hugging her back waving at the other losers as they pulled apart.

  
"Hey, how you feeling Eddie?" she asked, smiling as she went to sit back next to Bill on the wall, Ben and Mike we're stood in front of them and Mike and Sammy were sat on the front steps.

  
"Better, like, a lot better," Eddie said, "I spent most of the day just sleeping so I guess it didn't take long for my body to reset or whatever."

  
"Bet your mom was having a heart attack." Stan said and Eddie rolled his eyes.

  
"Yeah, she called the fucking doctor and I had to take so much crap that did nothing at all for me."

  
"She give something to Richie too? He seems happier than yesterday," Beverly said, "Right moody bitch, weren't you Richie?" Eddie felt Sammy's glare worsen.

  
"I wasn't that bad." Richie laughed, shrugging his shoulders but Eddie saw the way his smile turned a little uneasy when he looked over at Sammy.

  
"Y-You so w-were," Bill said, "S-So suh-sulky, barely e-even looked at us."

  
"You jealous there Bill? Want all my undivided attention?" Richie wiggled his eyebrows and Eddie had to stop himself for telling Richie _he_ wanted all his attention, the moment was ruined anyway when Sammy faked coughed, making everyone look at her.

  
"Richie, can we talk?" she said, standing up and holding her hand out to her boyfriend, her smile turning sweet but Richie still looked like he'd rather not talk about anything.  
"Sure thing babe," Richie walked past Eddie and linked his hand with Sammy's, Eddie remembered why he hated school so much, "See you guys later." the rest of the losers barely even got to say anything to Richie before Sammy was dragging him off.

  
"What the fuck was that about?" Eddie said, staring after them as they walked into the school.

  
"She went to go see him this morning and he wasn't there and neither was his bike and she was worried," Ben said, "Richie never said where he was going, Sammy has been going mad all morning."

  
"What did she think was gonna happen? She think Richie ran off or something?"

  
"She was only worried Eddie, what's got you so bothered?" Mike asked, Eddie looked down at his shoes.

  
"Nothing, I was only saying that I didn't get why she was so worried."

  
"She's h-his girlfriend," Bill said, "They c-can get like t-that, y-y-you'll understand w-when you g-get one."

  
"Yeah... I guess," Eddie said, he felt guilty for lying to his friends because he's never going to understand because he will never have a girlfriend, "Guess I just have a lot left to learn about these sorta things."

  
"I know a girl in my art class who thinks you're cute," Ben said, Eddie looked over at him and hoped he didn't look as panicked as he felt, "I can introduce you to her if you'd like? Her name is Amy and I think you two would probably really like each other."

  
"No thanks Ben, I appreciate it but I'm fine."

  
"Why not? Most boys are dying to get a girlfriend and I've seen Amy, she's pretty cute too," Stan asked, "If she likes you already you don't have to try and convince her you're cooler than you are, the hard part is already done for you."

  
"Gee thanks Stan," Eddie rolled his eyes and gripped the straps on his backpack tightly, trying to not to show how uneasy he actually felt having this conversation, "I just don't want a girlfriend."

  
"Guys, we have exams and shit happening over the next year, do you really think Eddie would want the distraction of a girlfriend when he already has to put up with us assholes _and_ Richie?" Bev said, jumping off the wall and coming to stand beside Eddie.

  
"Yeah but by then Eddie will have learnt how to balance a relationship _and_ his studies." Mike said.

  
"Why is everyone ganging up on Eddie over having a girlfriend, I don't see any of you in a relationship so just shove it, yeah?" Bev said, wrapping her arm around Eddie's shoulders, "Eddie doesn't need the distraction of dating on top of having exams and his mom, so stop bothering him."

  
"S-sorry B-Bev." Bill said, his smile turning sheepish and in that moment, Eddie had never been more in love with Beverly Marsh which made him hate himself even more because why couldn't he just like girls and date Bev? She already knew all about him and his situation, they got on so well and she was beautiful, how could he even like boys when there's someone like Beverly right in front of him? Eddie already knew the answer and he doubted he could ever like anyone else who wasn't Richie Tozier.

Eddie couldn't focus on his first few lessons, all he could think about was how his friends were maybe starting to get suspicious about him with their girlfriend questions, Richie got a girlfriend they were trying to match Eddie up more and more despite being one of the only members of the losers who has been so uninterested in getting into a relationship. Part of him felt like just getting with that Amy to shut everyone up but he couldn't use someone like that and Bev was partly right when she told them he wouldn't want to have the distraction of being with someone else while they have exams starting soon, the idea of having to get to know someone else and then bring them into the losers group and try and introduce them to his friends and hide this new person from his mom while they questioned why he rarely left the house or let them meet his mom and he hated having to explain why he was so scared of getting sick and trying to explain what munchausen and munchausen syndrome by proxy meant made his head spin. It was all too much for him.

  
Eddie kept his head down as he walked to his locker at lunchtime alone, nobody has classes together on a Thursday just before lunch so normally they all just met up in the cafeteria but when he looked up he couldn't help but smile when he saw Beverly waiting for him. He always hated walking through school alone, he was still so small and he made an easy target for people to push him around, his fast paced nature and hypochondriac ways didn't help him out either it was just another reason for people to yell at him.

  
"Hey Eddie," Bev said, waving at him as he approached her.

  
"Hey Bev," she moved away so Eddie could get into his locker and swap over his books, "How come you're not already waiting with the others, I know I'm out late."  
"I just wanted to double check on how you are, we didn't really get to talk to this morning."

  
"Oh yeah, thanks for that by the way," Eddie said, shutting his locker and smiling up at Beverly (and when did _she _get nearly taller than him? Now that's just unfair), "Ya know, for covering for me."

  
"Any time Eddie," She said with a shrug, "Boys are stupid and can't seem to understand that not everyone wants to be in a relationship."

  
"I would have totally screwed up if I was left to defend myself."

  
"No offence but if I hadn't stepped in, you'd probably be choosing out a shirt to wear when you take Amy out tonight." Eddie laughed as they started walking towards the cafeteria.

  
"Yeah, you're right," he said, "I would have put up a good fight though."

  
"Thrown in some statistics about how dangerous kissing is or something."

  
"Beverly, it's unhygienic, you expect _me_ to put my mouth on someone elses? I couldn't imagine anything worse."

  
"Oh, so you won't swap spit through kissing but you'd happily share licks of ice cream or whatever with Richie and _god knows_ where he's been." Eddie blushed and shook his head.

  
"Fuck off."

  
"I'm only messing with ya, Eddie," Bev said, shoving him gently, "You do you, date who you wanna date and be who you wanna be."

  
"When did you become a philosopher?" Eddie asked.

  
"I'm not, I just want to let you know that you're not alone." Eddie went quiet for a minute, his walk slowing down until Beverly was several paces in front of him, "Eddie?" She stopped walking and turned to face him, "What is it?"

  
"I... I need to tell you something."

  
"What?"

  
"Not here, not with everyone here." Bev nodded and grabbed Eddie's hand, pulling him down the hall and around the corner until they stopped in front of the girls toilets, "Bev..."

  
"Come on, it's always quiet here so we can talk undisturbed."

  
"In the toilets? The _girls_ toilets? That's disgusting."

  
"Cleaner than the boys."

  
"I don't even _use _the boys."

  
"I'll check if it's free, you wait here." She said, ignoring Eddie completely as she pushed the door open. Eddie shifted from one foot to the other until she opened the door again, "All clear, come in."

  
"Beverly..."

  
"Trust me." Eddie sighed and followed Beverly into the toilets and into a stall at the end. It was disgusting and Eddie felt dirty being stood in there, his hands itching to get hold of his sanitizer in his bag. He let Beverly open the stall door and did the best he could to avoid touching the walls as Bev sat on the toilet lid. The whole scene in front of him made him squirm.

  
"So, what is it you what to tell me?" _oh right, the thing._

  
"I was thinking last night, when Richie came over and..."

  
"Richie was with you?"

  
"Yeah, he was crying and wanted to apologise, we made up and everything and he stayed the night and over slept so he made me breakfast."

  
"I'm so glad you two are Okay, it would have been awful having your friendship ruined."

  
"That's why I let him in," Eddie said, he started scratching at the skin on his wrist, "But anyway, he came over and that was fine because it's Richie, and I like it when he's over but then we were laying in bed and he was a sleep and I kept thinking about what you said on the phone and I think you're right."

  
"I'm lost," Bev said, Eddie could almost see the cogs in her mind try and catch up with what he had said, "You were thinking about what?"

  
"About what you told me on the phone."

  
"Which part?"

  
"About being gay." It went silent, it was making Eddie paranoid and he was convinced he heard someone coming in but as the silence stretched he realised it couldn't have been because there was no other noise.

  
"Okay, so... Are you actually telling me you're gay this time?" Eddie nodded.

  
"Yeah, I am, I'm gay and I fucking hate it."

  
"But you don't think you're sick anymore? Right?" Bev sounded hopeful and Eddie couldn't meet her eyes.

  
"No Bev, I'm still sick, I'm sick for being gay and I'm sick for... For..."

  
"For what?" Eddie didn't answer, "For what Eddie?"

  
"How did you cope finding out Bill had a crush on you?"

  
"What?"

  
"How did you cope?"

  
"It wasn't much of a shock, I think we were both sorta heading that way anyway."

  
"How did you cope dealing with him all the time, knowing this fact?"

  
"What has this got to do with anything?"

  
"Please, answer me."

  
"We dated, briefly and it was nice but we realised that although we liked each other we made better friends."

  
"Do you think everyone is like that? I mean, if you're friends with someone you like do you think you will always just be better off as friends?" Beverly reached out and held Eddie's hand, stopping his scratching.

  
"Do you... Do you like one of the losers?" Eddie shut his eyes as he nodded, "Is that why you think you're sick?"

  
"What friend does that? What guy falls for his friend who is also a guy? It's disgusting and if he knew he'd hate me."

  
"Hey, hey Eddie, hey, calm down," Beverly stood up and pulled him into a hug, "This is no different from Bill and I having a crush on each other, or... Me having a crush on Ben."

  
"Do you?"

  
"I do."

  
"I think he likes you too."

  
"We can talk about that later, this is about you right now."

  
"It's so different though Beverly, it's completely different, you and Ben could hold hands and kiss and be happy and in love and that's okay, because that's what society wants," Eddie held her tighter, "But if I kissed Richie then..." Eddie stopped talking, he said who it was out loud and now Bev is going to think he's disgusting and she's going to push him away and-

  
"You have a crush on Richie?"

  
"I think I'm in love with him Beverly, I think this is more than a stupid crush," Eddie pulled away from the hug and held his face in his hands, "Seeing him so happy with Sammy... It's fucking killing me."

  
"How long have you liked him?"

  
"He's the reason I realised I liked boys, the only person I ever liked was Richie and I thought it was because he was my best friend but best friends don't want to kiss each other and hold hands and... And..." Eddie crossed his arms over his chest, "He doesn't like me like that, I know he doesn't because he said so last night, and it broke my heart... I'm sick Bev, I don't know what to do."

  
"You can't choose who you fall in love with, I really wish I knew what to say."

  
"Just keep this a secret? Please? Don't say anything to Richie because I can't lose him." Eddie begged.

  
"Of course, you know you can trust me," Beverly said, smiling sadly at him, "I'm always going to be here for you, but you're not sick."

  
"I am."

  
"No, you're not, you can't help having a crush on Richie, it's not you who is sick it's everyone else for making you feel this way." Eddie just nodded, not willing to fight her over this point because it was useless; Beverly was stubborn and so was he, nobody would win that fight.

  
There was only twenty minutes worth of lunch left when Beverly and Eddie finally made it to their friends, Eddie was just thankful that there was still time to eat because he didn't realise how hungry he was. Beverley sat down next to Ben who was talking about something he was learning about in art and Richie had saved Eddie a seat. Sammy was sat on his other side, talking to Stan, but Eddie didn't care as he took his seat next to Richie and they dove straight into a conversation about why Eddie was so late, joking and laughing, Eddie was ignoring the way Sammy kept glancing at him when he started talking way too fast and too loud that normally his friends can't understand him; nobody expect Richie who always listened, always laughed, who was there to throw away his prescription for him when Eddie was too scared to do it himself.

  
Eddie glanced at the way Bev and Bill acted together, laughing loudly and maybe she was right, Eddie thought as he looked back at Richie who was trying to steal one of Stan's sandwiches, no matter how much it really hurt, maybe friends are just better at being just that: friends.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was still playing on his mind as he took his seat next to Richie during English and he wanted to try and bring it up but didn't know how to word his thoughts when Richie spoke. "Do you think Sammy is acting a little... Strange?" Richie asked, tapping his pen on the desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry
> 
> also, uh, im thinking of doing like one chapter from another losers pov,, idk yet because im not sure if it would throw the story off by having this sudden switch since it's always been from eddie's but idk if it would help explain stuff send hel0

The rest of the day went on as normal, after school Richie walked back with Eddie to get his bike and they chilled in his room together until Sonia came home. Richie had moved so fast to get out before he was caught that he nearly fell out of Eddie's window, they both had laughed so hard that Eddie couldn't stop even after Richie had left and his mom had come into his room, Sonia had panicked and made Eddie take his inhaler for the first time in months.

  
Everything remained normal the next morning too, Sammy still barely interacted with him but for the first time since she joined their group it didn't feel too weird? He still didn't like her, he still couldn't look at her while she kissed Richie (which she seemed to be doing a lot that morning) but there wasn't any glaring, just sidewards glance so maybe she had finally stopped being jealous of his friendship with Richie, maybe she finally understood that their friendship was important.

  
Eddie was nervous seeing Bev again after admitting his crush to her but she didn't treat him any differently, she laughed and joked and didn't act like he was some form of freak and it felt a little bit like a weight being lifted from his shoulders having someone else sharing his secret. He no longer felt so suffocated and he could pretend to himself that they all knew, that everything was okay and they all accepted him and did his very best to ignore the pain in his heart from seeing Sammy all over Richie, the small smirk on her face when she looked at Eddie made him uneasy and he couldn't stop thinking about it even though his first lesson.

  
It was still playing on his mind as he took his seat next to Richie during English and he wanted to try and bring it up but didn't know how to word his thoughts when Richie spoke. "Do you think Sammy is acting a little... Strange?" Richie asked, tapping his pen on the desk.

  
"What do you mean?"

  
"I don't know man, she's just been real clingy." Eddie laughed.

  
"Dude, she's always clingy."

  
"Yeah, but not like this," Richie said, "My lips are chapped and it's still the morning."

  
"Gross."

  
"Shut up, but do you know what I mean? She's not changed with any of the others but all of a sudden she won't let go of me."

  
"Is it annoying you?"

  
"She isn't, but the clinging is, I can't do anything and every time I got close to you she just gripped tighter."

  
"Why would she do that?"

  
"I don't know," Richie sighed, scribbling down another couple of notes onto his paper, "It just bugs me that we can hang out with her friends and that's all fine but I hang out with mine and she won't leave me be for five minutes."

  
"Trouble in paradise?" Eddie asked, looking intensely at his notes in front of him instead of at Richie's face.

  
"I don't think so, like, she... she told me she loved me." Eddie stopped writing but still refused to look at Richie.

  
"When?"

  
"Last night, she asked to meet up so I snuck over to hers."

  
"What... how did you reply?"

  
"I didn't."

"Huh?"

  
"I just kissed her, I panicked man," Eddie looked over to see Richie's wide eyes, "I like her man, I really like her and I think she's great but we've only been together four months and I don't think I'm ready to tell her that."

  
"Then don't tell her," Eddie said, "If you're not ready that's okay."

  
"Thanks Eds," Richie put his hand on top of Eddie's, Eddie prayed he couldn't feel the way his pulse quickened, "What would I do without you?"

  
"You'd cope pretty well without me."

  
"Dude, you were off sick for _one day _and I was close to having a mental breakdown," Eddie laughed at that, "I wouldn't survive this world without you by my side."

  
"Fuck off."

  
"Kaspbrak, keep that type of language out of my classroom or you'll find yourself away from Tozier." Their English teacher said as he walked past.

  
"Sorry sir," he just nodded in response and went to his desk after checking on the other students to see how they were doing, "But anyway," Eddie said, turning is attention back to Richie, "You would do fine without me."

  
"I wouldn't but we don't need to think about that right? Neither of us plan on going anywhere and we don't have to worry about being seperated when we get older because we have our flat... right?" Richie squeezed his hand and Eddie just smiled widely, really trying his best not to turn his hand over and link their fingers together.

  
"Yeah, you're right," Eddie nodded, "Losers stick together." Richie laughed, both of them going back to their note taking when their teacher told them to calm down. Richie didn't move his hand.

Eddie was waiting outside his biology classroom for Richie, he was stood near Sammy who just kept staring at him and it was making him uncomfortable, he silently wished for Richie to hurry up as his leg bounced restlessly. He looked through the window in the door and saw Richie still talking to their teacher and if he hadn't asked him to wait Eddie would have left to go meet the rest of his friends because Sammy was getting on his nerves now with all the staring. He sighed and leant against the wall, Sammy's eyes following his every movement and he was so _fed up._

  
"What is your problem?" Eddie asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

  
"My problem?" Sammy asked, twirling some of her hair around her finger.

  
"Yeah, you do nothing but glare at me since Richie first introduced us an now you wont stop staring and it's weird."

  
"I don't like you Kaspbrak," Sammy said, the smile on her face didn't match the chill in her voice, "I don't trust you."

  
"Trust me? What do you not trust me with?" Eddie rose an eyebrow, "That doesn't make sense."

  
"I don't trust your intentions with Richie." Eddie stiffened.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

  
"Don't act stupid now, I know all about your disgusting little secret." Eddie stood up straight.

  
"I don't have... I... What?"

  
"About your sickness."

  
"I don't have any sickness."

  
"That's not what you told Beverly in the bathroom yesterday," her smile widened, "Really, the girls bathroom? Bit suspicious really, it was almost like you were begging to be followed." Eddie felt himself go cold, the noise he heard yesterday wasn't paranoia, it was her.

  
"You followed us?"

  
"I was curious, I wanted to know firstly why some clean freak like you would willingly walk into a public restroom and, secondly, why you'd willingly walk in with Beverly," Sammy said, "At first I was thinking that maybe you two were hooking up, that my suspicion about you was wrong and you were actually after Bev but after what I heard... Turns out I've been right all along."

  
"Right about what?"

  
"You being a fucking queer," Eddie couldn't breathe, "I see the way you look at _my_ boyfriend, looking like a lost little puppy, faking panic attacks just to get close to him and..."

  
"I don't fake those, Sammy, those are real." Eddie said, grasping his shirt tightly, he could feel himself panicking now and Richie still wasn't out and Eddie couldn't fucking move.

  
"Of course they are," her tone was mocking, "Fucking hell, you are so pathetic, look at you."

  
"Sammy... Please... Don't say..."

  
"Anything? You want me to keep this a secret?" Eddie nodded, tears building in his eyes, "You're disgusting, how can you even look at Richie when you think those thoughts about him? You can't love him because people like you aren't capable of it."

  
"People like me?"

  
"Homos, it's just a sickness and you want to pass it onto Richie?" Sammy tutted and shook her head, it reminded him of when he was younger and got his arm broken and Gretta mocked his clean cast; _'No signatures or anything, so sad'_, "It's disgusting, you're disgusting, how can you even class yourself as his friend?"

  
"He's... He's my best friend."

  
"Oh yeah? You know he'd choose any other member of the losers over you? He'd choose me over you."

  
"That's not true."

  
"Of course it is, if he knew about this infatuation you have with him... Oh Eddie, he'd drop you on your ass so fast."

  
"Fuck off, you know nothing about him if that's what you think."

  
"Then why don't we tell him? I think he'll be out soon so why don't we tell Richie you have dirty thoughts about him and you want him to be your_ boyfriend_."

  
"No..."

  
"Ashamed are we?" Eddie didn't know how to respond, he was just scared, "Okay, let's see then, if you can get Richie to choose you over me I'll keep my mouth shut and you can hold your secret close to your chest, but if he chooses me then you leave him alone."

  
"Or what?"

  
"Or I'll tell the whole school what a dirty little queer you are and how you're 'in love' with Richie." Eddie was shaking now, he knew she wasn't messing around, he could see in her eyes just how serious she was about outing him publicly.

  
"Fine."

  
"Well, here he comes," she said, "I'd say it was nice knowing you but I fucking hate you."

  
"Fuck off, why do you always have to be so fucking cruel?"

  
"What's going on?" Richie asked, Eddie tensed further, he could feel his muscles cramping but he didn't even care as he turned to face Richie.

  
"I... I can't explain it, let's just go to the losers."

  
"Eddie..."

  
"Just come on Richie, please." Eddie felt his throat close when Richie took Sammy's hand, "Without her."

  
"What?"

  
"I said lets go to the losers."

  
"And Sammy is one of us."

  
"No she isn't." Eddie snapped, the shock on Richie's face lasted only a few moments before he turned angry and Richie has never been angry with Eddie before.

"What the fuck man?" Richie snapped back, "That's not fucking cool, we'll go to the losers but Sammy is coming with us, what the fuck happened before I came out?"

  
"Richie... Please..." Eddie wasn't above begging now, he just wanted Richie to listen and he couldn't _breathe._

  
"No, that was so out of line, what's gotten into you? Why would you be so mean to her?" Eddie's heart broke at the way Sammy smirked. Eddie didn't answer he turned away from the couple and _ran_, ignoring the way Richie shouted after him because it didn't matter anymore. Richie would clearly choose Sammy over Eddie and now Eddie needed put himself first because he can't let Sammy tell everyone, it wouldn't end well.

  
Eddie sat outside the nurses office shaking, she had called his mother and for once he was actually excited to see her, he was excited for Sonia to pick him up and take him home or the the emergency room, just _anywhere_ that was far away from Richie.

  
"Eddie-bear?" Eddie looked up and saw his mom and he couldn't stop himself from bursting into tears which he knew he'd regret in the long run when his mother fussed him too much but right now he just needed to cry, have a hug and go home, "Eddie, what's wrong?"

  
"I don't feel good mommy," He stood up and hugged her, he could feel the shock she felt because Eddie hadn't been the one to hug his mom first in a _long _time, "I want to go home."

  
"Of course," She held him back and Eddie didn't let go when the nurse came out to explain to Sonia that he had come to her unable to breathe, "It'll be his asthma." his mom said firmly.

  
"Yeah, asthma... I've contacted Eddie's teachers for the rest of the day, you can take him home."

  
"Thank you, let's go Eddie-Bear." Eddie let his mom maneuver him so he was tucked into her side as she guided him to the front office to sign out and out of the school to the car.

  
Eddie got in wordlessly and didn't say anything for the rest of the journey, he knew they would probably be stopping off at the doctors before going home but all Eddie could think about was how he was alone now, he had _nobody_. Richie would tell them all how Eddie had flipped out and Sammy would make it sound like she didn't provoke him, like she didn't say awful things to him and threatened him, and the losers wouldn't even question it because they'd believe Sammy and Richie and there's no point in trying to fight it when it's two against one; Eddie would lose. He had no friends now, he had no other choice to leave the losers club but not like that mattered, Richie hated him now and Richie was angry with him. The happy relief he felt from his confession to Beverley no longer existed, he wished he kept it a secret now for the rest of his life, now everything was ruined because of _it_, how can he go from talking about never leaving Richie and their flat to having nothing and now Eddie really didn't know what to do because his future plans were all entwined with Richie's and he's _gone_, Richie is gone despite how hard Eddie tried to keep him in his life because he needed his best friend just that bit more than a boyfriend and now he had neither.

  
Eddie curled into himself more in the passenger's seat, he had never felt so _alone_ before.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "H-hey Eds..." Bill tried to reach out and touch him again but Eddie stepped away to avoid contact, "I... I don't un-understand?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> didn't realise how short this chapter actually was, sorry

Stepping out of his house on Monday morning sent panic through Eddie's veins. He hadn't left his house all weekend, his mom had taken him to his GP straight after school and he was put on more medication that he was taking now, placebos out of fear and having no willpower to throw them away (Richie always did that and the thought broke his heart) and one of them because his doctor had told him specifically that these were important to take, these ones would actually help and he knew that for the first time in his life that this medication was _real_. The side of the box told him it was to help relieve anxiety, his doctor told him to go back in a few weeks to see how they're working. Eddie just didn't care anymore, he'd take anything that would help take the pressure off him and made him even a tiny bit less scared.

  
The walk to school made him want to take the whole two weeks worth of anxiety medication at once but he knew that wouldn't help him, it would probably just put him in the hospital but when he saw his friends hanging around the stairs like normal he thought maybe being in hospital would benefit him more, the only thing that was stopping him now was the fact that his mom would get him put on suicide watch and he couldn't cope with that, he wasn't suicidal he was just scared. He hadn't spoken to any of the losers since Friday, he didn't know if anyone had tried to get in contact because he didn't answer the phone at all and none of them ever knock on his door because they know his mom would shoo them away.

  
He gripped his backpack tighter and kept his head down as he picked up his pace and tried to walk past the losers, they were laughing at something and Eddie felt hurt at how easy they could move on from him; he's only been absent for a few days and they were all smiling and looking happy, they looked so good without him. He quickly glanced over and saw Sammy laughing, Bev's arm around her shoulders just like she had done to him on Friday morning, sticking up for him because... and now she was doing it to her and Eddie realised that Sammy was right, Richie had chosen her and now all his friends have too. He sped up his pace to get into the building and to his locker quicker, he just wanted to get to class and get the day done with so he can run home and hide and then repeat those stages until he's finished with school and he never has to see his friends again. Eddie slowed down, his heart in his throat because they weren't _his friends_ they were ex-friends now, he had to stop pretending that things will get better when they won't; if he goes near Richie then it's over for him, Eddie may be a loser but he's not one of them.

  
Eddie was stuffing his books in his backpack at his locker when he heard someone shout his name, he knew who it was straight away because there weren't many students in this school with a stutter. He shut his locker and tried to run off again before Bill could get to him but things never go his way when a hand came down on his shoulder, "E-Eddie?" Bill said, turning Eddie around to face him, "W-where have y-you been?"

  
"At home, sick." Eddie refused to make eye contact.

  
"Ah-ah-again?" Eddie nodded, "Richie s-said th-that..."

  
"What do you want Bill?" Eddie snapped, shrugging Bill's hand off his shoulder, he needed to run before he got too overwhelmed.

  
"Huh?"

  
"Why are you talking to me right now? What do you want?"

  
"T-to make su-sure you're okay?" Bill moved from one foot to the other and for the first time in their whole friendship the air was thick with awkward tension, it's never been this bad, "S-Sammy s-said that you fli-flipped out on her, th-then you di-didn't come see us this m-morning." Eddie rolled his eyes and scoffed.

  
"Is that what she told you? And I guess you all believe her but of course you do because Sammy and Richie said it so it _must_ be true because Eddie is just a fucking psycho, right?"

  
"E-Eddie...?"

  
"Just fuck off Bill, leave me alone."

  
"W-what's wrong?" Bill said, he went to touch Eddie again but Eddie stepped backwards, keeping his head down so Bill couldn't see his tears because this was breaking his heart.

  
"I'm out of the losers, I can't hang around with you guys anymore."

  
"Did y-your m-mom do something?"

  
"No, this isn't about my fucking mother for once," Eddie snapped, "I can't do this, I can't be in your stupid little club anymore but it's okay because you guys don't even fucking need me."

  
"What the f-fuck is th-that supposed to mean?" Bill was sounding defensive now which didn't surprise Eddie.

  
"Just leave me alone, I... I can't do it anymore."

  
"H-hey Eds..." Bill tried to reach out and touch him again but Eddie stepped away to avoid contact, "I... I don't un-understand?"

  
"There's nothing to understand, you guys don't need me and that's fine, I don't need you guys either," Eddie tried to keep his voice level but he knew Bill would be able to hear how choked up he was getting, "Just... don't talk to me." Eddie turned his back on Bill and ran, he didn't call after him but Eddie expected that, he was so awful to him but he had to be because he had to stay away or Sammy would tell and Eddie didn't want to think what would happen then. All he had to do was was keep on the down-low and stay away from Richie, Eddie stopped running and leant against a wall, the bell for first class rang out but Eddie couldn't _breathe_ and he didn't know what to do anymore because there's no Richie to hold him close and calm him down, there's no Bill to tell him it will all be okay, there's no Ben to help distract him with new facts he learnt, no Mike with his kind words, no Stan with his deadpan humour which always made him laugh and there's no Bev... Eddie sobbed harder, there's no Beverly who listened to his problems, who listened to him cry about his crush and didn't call him disgusting, who knew he was gay from the beginning before he could even admit it to himself and just supported him through his journey of understanding and somewhat acceptance, who didn't push him away and belittle him like Sammy did and now Beverly will hate him for what he said to Bill, they'll all hate him and they'll never understand why he did it.

  
When Eddie arrived to class he was twenty minutes late, the teacher gave him a lunch time detention and instead of freaking out even worse than he already was, Eddie felt relieved because it made it easier to avoid people at lunch if he wasn't going to actually be there. He knew he couldn't get detentions for every day until he finishes school, his school record was really important to him but he could let this one slide just once as long as he didn't make a habit of it. He look at the textbook in front of him, willing himself to open it and at least try to focus on the rest of the lesson but it was hard when his mind was full of Richie and how angry he looked, how he didn't choose Eddie and that he probably thinks Eddie really is a psycho, but how is he supposed to explain what's happened? How could he? Where would he start?

  
Eddie looked out of the window, his leg bouncing nervously and all he wanted to do was scream. He had so many pent up emotions and he didn't know how to release any of them but he knew he'd have to learn to deal with his issues without the help of the losers, he's have to find ways to get his emotions out without ranting to the others to relieve pent up tension, he'd have to learn how to calm himself down through panic attacks again since he became too heavily reliant upon Richie to help him out. As much as it hurt, Eddie had to do this for himself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie hadn't looked away from where Eddie was, he looked like he was okay on his own but he didn't look happy and that didn't sit well with Bev, Eddie was always happy with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a change of pov just to give an insight into the losers:) i think there will be at least one more chapter from this pov before we get back to focusing on eddie, how you enjoy

Beverly stared at the empty seat at their normal table, the conversation between her friends wasn't the same without Eddie and it made everything feel wrong. She looked over at Richie who was also staring at the seat despite Sammy talking a mile a minute in his ear, he just didn't seem to be listening and he seemed so disinterested in whatever she was trying to say. Ever since Bill told them what Eddie had said to him a few weeks ago everything had been off with Richie, he didn't crack as many jokes and whenever he did he would always turn to his side and smile as if he was waiting for Eddie to tell him to shut up but Eddie wasn't there and Sammy tried so hard to fill that gap but she wasn't Eddie. It didn't sit right with Bev, how Sammy had cried to her about how rude Eddie was because yes, Eddie was a motormouth and sometimes a handful but the one thing he never was was rude and horrible on purpose but when Sammy refused to say how this supposed argument had started, Bev's uneasy feeling settled deeper in her gut.

  
Eddie had been avoiding them all, when Bev asked if Richie had gone to see him at all he just shook his head and smiled sadly, _"He hates me Bev," _and that broke her heart and all she wanted was to tell Richie just how much Eddie actually loved him but she couldn't do it to Eddie, he needed to know there was someone on his side no matter what and he'd never forgive her for outing him; it was something he needed to do himself when he was ready.

  
"Hey, look," Ben said, getting the tables attention, "It's Eds." Richie's head turned so quickly to see him that he nearly fell of his chair and the way his eyes lit up and watered at the same time really made Beverly question whether he was missing his best friend or if maybe he's hiding something like Eddie was.

  
"Do you think he'll come sit with us?" Mike asked, somehow making his question sound doubtful.

  
"Probably not, you heard what he said to Bill," Stan said, "Something's wrong and he won't tell us."

  
"Maybe... Maybe I should go talk to him?" Richie hadn't looked away from where Eddie was, he looked like he was okay on his own but he didn't look happy and that didn't sit well with Bev, Eddie was always happy with them.

  
"I don't know, he doesn't look like he wants anyone to talk to him." Stan said, Bev watched as Eddie looked up and met Richie's eyes; they stayed like that for a few moments but Eddie got up from where he was sat and left. Richie's eyes followed him before turning back to his friends, his eyes were watery and his smile was tight, Bev got up and walked around the table and sat in the seat Eddie normally occupied and put her arm around Richie's shoulders.

  
"You okay Rich?" he shrugged, taking off his glasses to wipe at his eyes.

  
"I just... I miss him, ya know?" his voice was all choked up, he didn't sound like himself, "This is the longest we've ever been without each other and I always thought he'd be in my life because I..." Richie shook his head, "It's been weeks and I don't know how to fix it."

  
"What is there to fix babe? He was the one rude to us, not the other way around." Richie tensed under Bev's arm, Sammy never sounded sympathetic when it came to Richie's feelings.

  
"He's my best friend Sammy, one stupid argument shouldn't be enough to tear us apart like that."

  
"Clearly, Eddie just doesn't care as much as you thought."

  
"Th-that's b-bullshit," Bill said, "Of c-course E-Eddie cares."

  
"Didn't ask for your opinion Bill," Sammy rolled her eyes, "If Eddie really cared then where is he?"

  
"Shut up," Richie snapped, Bev rubbed his arm and held him tighter, "You barely even know Eddie so stop talking like you do."

  
"Oh yeah?" Sammy caught Beverly's eye and smirked, "You'll find that I know him better than you think."

  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Beverly asked.

  
"I think you already know what I mean Bevvy," Beverly went cold at her words, you didn't need to be a genius to know what she's hiding, "You know it too."

  
"What the fuck are you two on about?" Richie put his glasses on, his hand now holding onto Bev's on his shoulder, "Know what?"

  
"Nothing babe, come on, we're going to be late." She stood up and grabbed her bag, Richie automatically stood up with her but his movements were slow and sad. He kissed Bev's hand before walking off, Sammy clinging onto him.

  
"She's done something," Bev said, "She's fucking done something."

  
"Done what?" Ben asked, Beverly turned to look at her friends.

  
"To Eddie, she's done something to him and I know what it's about but I don't know what she's done."

  
"What is it about?" Mike said as they all shuffled a little closer but Bev just shook her head.

  
"I can't say that, not right now because I need Eddie to know that I wouldn't hurt him, if I could tell you I would," Mike nodded, "But I'm scared for Eddie."

  
"I'm worried for Richie," Stan said, "From what he's told me, he's taking this distance way too hard."

  
"What do you mean Stan?"

  
"I can't say either, Richie would be pissed and he's already hurting," Bev's eyes widened, connecting the dots that seem to be appearing.

  
"_Oh..._"

  
"Oh what?"

  
"I think... Never mind." Bev shook her head.

  
"W-what are we g-going to do?" Bill asked, "When E-Eddie sh-shouted at me, it w-was like it was-wasn't even h-him."

  
"It probably wasn't, he seemed fine all morning that Friday and then he just disappeared," Mike said, "It seemed really sudden, not like it was something he had been thinking about for a while, ya know the whole leaving the losers thing? I couldn't just get up and leave you all on the spot but neither Richie or Sammy really told us what happened before lunch."

  
"She told me that Eddie just snapped and said she wasn't a loser," Bev said, "I agree with him."

  
"You do?"

  
"Of course, she's not really one of us, you've seen her friends as well plus she's always been pretty rude to Eddie, you guys can't say you haven't noticed it?"

  
"I have, I just never said anything because it's Richie's girlfriend," Stan sighed, "I just wanted to keep the peace and I thought Eddie was handling it pretty well, he's small but he's not pathetic."

  
"He does seem like he's been struggling a lot lately," Ben said, "Do you think we've been bad friends? Like, none of us really asked how he was."

  
"He'd h-hate us for b-babying him." Bill was frowning, they all were.

  
Beverly glanced back to where Eddie was sat before, he was so strong and sometimes she wondered whether Eddie really knew that. Bev knew he'd been struggling but that wasn't because Sammy was being rude, this is something he'd been dealing with for such a long time, before she'd even started hanging out with the losers. She turned back to look at Stan who met her eyes, it was almost like she could see the weight on his shoulders and it looked very similar to the weight she was carrying on her own shoulders, secrets that weren't theirs being held close to their chests and Beverly really wanted to ask Stan what Richie had told him exactly to make him take this fallout so hard.

  
The bell rang for next period, Beverly said goodbye to her friends as they all parted ways to go to their classes, her eyes lingered on Stan a little longer, the question on the tip of her tongue but she let it go as he walked away with Bill and Mike, Ben hugged her before going to art. The last place Beverly wanted to be was class when she had so many questions in her head, she ran her hand through her short hair and sighed, she closed her eyes briefly but bumped into someone.

  
"I am so sorry," She said, stepping away from whoever she had walked into and keeping her head down, hoping it wasn't someone who'd hurt her for an honest mistake, "I need to open my eyes more."

  
"Don't fret, Bev." She snapped her head up and looked at the boy in front of her.

  
"Eddie?" She pulled him into a hug, "You asshole, why are you avoiding us?"

  
"I'm sorry," Eddie hugged her back, "I shouldn't even be doing this right now but I just feel so guilty."

  
"What for?"

  
"How I yelled at Bill, I bet everyone really hates me."

  
"No they don't, we miss you so much... Richie is a bit of a lost cause without you."

  
"He is?" Eddie asked, pulling back.

  
"Yeah, you saw him staring at you at lunch didn't you? That's why you left?"

  
"I can't speak to him anymore."

  
"But you..." Beverly paused, "You still... ya know, right?" Eddie nodded.

  
"I do, of course I do which is why I can't be seen with him."

  
"What has she done?"

  
"What?"

  
"Sammy? What the hell has she done to you?"

  
"I can't say, I'm sorry Bev... I have to go," Eddie said, "Class starts in two minutes and I can't really afford to be late again."

  
"I miss you."

  
"I miss you too." Eddie smiled sadly at her before walking away, Beverly turned to watch him go, standing there long after he had turned the corner. The bell for lesson starting rang through the halls meaning she was going to be late.

  
_"Shit."_


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie seemed so sad after his biology lesson on Friday, Bev didn't really need to ask why because she knew that second and third periods were the lessons he shared with Eddie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is shorter than i expected but um okay:)

Richie seemed so sad after his biology lesson on Friday, Bev didn't really need to ask why because she knew that second and third periods were the lessons he shared with Eddie. He shared other lessons throughout the week with him but they didn't get to sit with each other all the time but those two periods were their favourite and normally Richie would walk to meet them totally wrapped up in a conversation with Eddie but this time he wasn't saying anything, he wasn't even holding Sammy's hand which shocked her.

  
"You okay Richie?" Bev asked, reaching over the table to poke at him so she could get his attention.

  
"It's Eddie," Richie said, Beverly could see the tears in his eyes, "He's taking so much shit." the small conversation between the other losers stopped.

  
"What do you mean by that?" Stan asked.

  
"I mean, that he was taking so many different types of pills after English, he wouldn't even look at me when I tried to talk to him during the lesson, it was like he was vacant?"

Richie said, "And then as we were leaving he just pulled out these different pill bottles and was necking them back like there was no tomorrow."

  
"Amy had mentioned that this morning during art, she had asked me about it all." Ben said, Richie looked at him, a small glare was forming behind his eyes.

  
"What the fuck does she want to know for?"

  
"She was just worried about him, she mentioned to me that they were talking and he dropped a packet on the floor and it said something like ven... venler..." Ben turned to Stan, "What did she say?"

  
"Uh... Venlafaxine," Stan said, "I think it's like a form of anxiety or antidepressant, I'm pretty sure my aunt was on them."

  
"So, they're real?" Richie's shoulders slumped and Bev's stomach twisted, "They're not all placebos?"

  
"I don't know, I never saw them it's just what Amy told me."

  
"Don't get why she's so interested, it's not like she's friends with him."

  
"Actually, I think they..."

  
"Well neither are you, so I don't get why you're so hung up on him." Sammy snapped, cutting off Ben and glaring at Richie who looked a little taken back with her sudden words, Bev just felt angry.

  
"What the fuck Sams?" Richie looked tense again.

  
"Ever since he ditched us you've done nothing but mope and hang around the phone and get all teary eyed when he passes you as if you don't exist," She said, "It's fucking exhausting."

  
"Whoa, that's so harsh on Richie," Beverly said, interrupting her rant, "They were best friends, he's allowed to be upset."

  
"Fuck off Bev, they're nearly adults and he's acting like they're still kids, he needs to grow up and move on."

  
"Don't speak to Beverly like that, what the fuck?" Sammy rolled her eyes.

  
"You're acting so pathetic, Jesus Christ Rich, I'm only speaking the truth."

  
"Here's a thought, why don't you just shut up Sammy?" Richie said, "If you weren't such a bitch to Eddie all the time maybe I would still have my best friend." Sammy's jaw dropped.

  
"So what are you saying? You'd choose him over me?"

  
"Of course I would, I'd drop you for him any day," Richie said, the rest of the losers didn't speak, they couldn't stop watching what was happening in front of them and Bev wished Eddie was here right now to witness what was going on, "I'd choose any of these guys over you and the only regret I have right now is taking your hand instead of Eddie's when he asked to go to the losers because he was right, you're not one of us no matter how hard you try to be."

  
"Rich... what do you mean by that?" her tone went from angry to sad but Bev had no sympathy for her.

  
"We're over, I thought that was clear?" The whole table stayed quiet as Sammy just stared at Richie as if she was waiting for a punchline but when he stayed silent she stood up, her chair scratching against the floor loudly.

  
"You'll fucking regret this." Richie just smiled and tilted his head.

  
"Sure, Jan." Sammy huffed and stormed out of the cafeteria.

  
"Are you okay, Richie?" Stan asked, getting up to sit beside him as Richie turned back to look at his friends.

  
"Yeah, thanks Stan, I actually feel pretty great," Richie said, "I guess I felt it coming if that makes sense, the tension has been building up and it hasn't felt right since... Ya know." Stan nodded, Bev felt like she sorta Kew what 'ya know' meant even if Stan never did tell her the secret Richie told him.

  
"What do you think she meant by 'you'll regret it'?" Ben asked, the uneasy feeling settled back in Beverly's stomach.

  
"I don't know, she doesn't have any dirt on me that you guys don't already know," Richie said, "And it's not like I told her anything personal about you guys."

  
"Eddie..." Bev went cold, "I have to go."

  
"Go? Where? What about Eddie?" Richie asked, his voice sounding panicked, "What's happened?"

  
"I'm sorry Rich, I just... I have to go, I can't explain why."

  
"Bev, please, what's wrong with Eddie?"

  
"I can't tell you," Bev stood up, putting her backpack on, "I'd explain if I could but I can't."

  
"But..."

  
"Richie, _please_, Eddie will tell you if and when he's ready but for now, just let me deal with him." Richie frowned, he looked at Stan who just nodded.

  
"Fine," Richie said, "Just... I... Never mind." Bev walked around the table to press a kiss against Richie's temple.

  
"I'm sorry." she didn't wait for a response, she walked out of the cafeteria despite having no idea where she should start looking for Eddie.

  
Beverley walked around the main building for a while, glancing in every classroom just in case Eddie was in one of them before giving up and heading outside. She stood at the top of the stairs for a while, just looking around when she spotted the familiar mop of curly hair that seemed longer since they were last together. She quickly made her way down the steps and pushed through the crowds to get to him.

  
"Eddie!" Beverly pulled him into a hug, cutting off whatever conversation he was having with whoever he was talking to.

  
"Whoa... Bev?" Eddie pulled back to get a good look at his friend before pulling her closer and holding her tightly, "What are you doing here?"

  
"It's school, where else would I be?" Eddie laughed softly and Beverly wanted to cry, it had been too long since she last heard that noise.

  
"Very funny, I mean why did you run across school grounds to hug me? We haven't spoken in..."

  
"In too long, I missed you and I hate the fact you won't come back to us." Eddie gripped tighter.

  
"You know why I can't..."

  
"Yeah, but Richie and Sammy..." Eddie pulled back and shook his head, Beverly noticed the way his eyes filled with tears.

  
"Don't, I really don't care what you have to say about them."

  
"No, Eddie listen, Richie just..."

  
"Drop it, seriously?" Eddie held her hands, "I don't give a shit what Sammy has done and I don't want to know anything about Richie... I can't cope."

  
"But..."

  
"Beverly, please," Beverly saw the heartbreak flash through Eddie's eyes, "I can't have him even as a friend so... So... So I really don't want to talk about him."

  
"I don't want you being alone."

  
"I'm not," Eddie tilted his head towards the girl he was talking to, "I hang out with Amy sometimes."

  
"Amy... From Ben's art class?" Bev asked, looking at her.

  
"Guilty as charged," Amy laughed, he smile was kind and it made Beverly feel at ease a little, "Eddie can hang out with me for as long as he wants."

  
"Thank you, I'm sorry if I sounded standoffish," Bev scratched at the back of her neck, "I'm not with it today."

  
"Don't apologise, it's fine," Amy said, "You can come hang out with us too, if you'd like?" Bev looked over at Eddie who just looked worried.

  
"No... Thank you, I'm sorry," Bev saw the sad smile on Eddie's face. She knew how much this was hurting him because that's how she was feeling too, "I have to go."

  
"Next time?"

  
"Yeah, maybe," Eddie hugged her first this time, holding onto her tightly, "See you around, Eds."

  
"I miss you."

  
"I miss you too." Beverly pulled back, she had so much she wanted to talk about with Eddie_; Richie split up with Sammy, Richie said he'd always choose you, Sammy has something planned and I'm scared for you, what's with all this medicine Richie was talking about, what's the deal with Amy?_

But instead she turned her back and walked away.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie wished he was braver and didn't care if Sammy told the whole school who he was but he's not that brave. Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry

The weekend passed by quietly, Eddie didn't leave his room much but he was okay with that. He spent most of his time listening to music that made him feel happy (it was always Richie's music so the happiness was bittersweet), he completed all his homework and he couldn't stop thinking about Beverly. She clearly wanted to talk to him about Richie but as stupid as it was and as much as he desperately wanted to hate him, Eddie was still head over heels for that dumbass and even hearing his name kinda hurt; sitting next to him in English and completely blanking him broke his heart. He can cope on his own, he realises that now, he's stronger than he gave himself credit for and he somewhat made a new friend in Amy, they didn't hang out outside of school but it was nice not to spend every lunch hour staring at the losers wishing he could be back with his friends, he noticed they always kept his chair free and it was so hard not to just sit in it, he wished he was braver and didn't care if Sammy told the whole school who he was but he's not that brave. Not yet.

  
The walk to school on Monday morning was dull, the skies were grey and he was chilly, it had rained during the night so it was too wet to ride his bike; his mother scared he'd slip and break something falling off _'One broken arm is enough thank you, Eddie-Bear.'_ Sighing, he pulled his coat closer to his body and did his best to avoid the puddles. The walk always felt longer than it was when he was alone, he found himself dragging his feet and trying to think of a conversation that the losers would have together to cheer him up. He couldn't believe it'd been nearly a month since that stupid fight, since that stupid threat, nearly a whole month since he was so mean to Bill and since he had any contact with any of the others besides the odd conversations with Bev and _f__uck_, he missed her so much. Eddie missed the way she listened and made him laugh and didn't judge him and just understood him, he had so much admiration for that girl (so much he almost thought it could have been a crush) and now he's lost it, they could have been having sleepovers and talking about their crushes, he could have been encouraging her to get with Ben and she could listen to him recite wax poetry about Richie. Eddie could talk to Amy, adorable Amy who openly admitted she had a crush on him during their second ever conversation a few weeks ago, sweet Amy who he could of taken on a date and tried to be normal with, he could have held her hand and taken her to the movies and been a _couple_ but he couldn't do that to her; he was gay, he couldn't cover that up anymore, and, he was still mad about Richie and dating a girl he wasn't romantically invested in wouldn't help that situation and thankfully she took his rejection well and still wanted to befriend him. She was pretty, her laugh was contagious and she reminded him so much of Beverly, not in looks since both girls were such a contrast with each other, Beverly had fiery ginger hair with freckles dusted on her pale skin and bright eyes whereas Amy had deep chestnut hair with caramel skin that seemed to glow and dark eyes, but in actions and personality they were the same which was probably why they got on so well.

  
Walking onto school grounds felt different, it didn't seem as rowdy as it normally was but Eddie just put that down to being a little earlier than normal, even the losers weren't hanging out in their normal spot yet although he could hear Stan and Mike talking behind him so Eddie picked his pace up to get into the building before they tried to talk to him. He went to his locker, he stuffed he coat into the bottom, leaving him in a thin hoodie, and replaced his unneeded books with the ones for today's lessons and went to go sit in the library before the school day started. He could hear people whispering as he walked down the corridor but he was probably just being paranoid, he hadn't done anything out of the ordinary so there wasn't anything for them to gossip about.

  
Entering the library, Eddie saw that Amy was already there with a couple of her friends, she called him over and introduced him which was nice, even if it was a little awkward when they started talking about their art coursework which Eddie knew next to nothing about, but it was still nice and the paranoia began to melt away and Eddie couldn't stop thinking that maybe today was going to be a good day.

Approaching his locker at lunch time made Eddie realise that today was _not_ a good day, not even close. He couldn't do anything but stare at the messages taped onto the door full of colourful words and homophobic slurs, he could feel his skin itch as people stared at him; they were whispering and laughing and they _knew_, they all _knew_. He could feel the tears building behind his eyes, his throat was closing and no matter how many tablets he took for his anxiety or how many puffs he could take on his fake inhaler, nothing would help him in that moment. His fingers shook as he reached out to rip the paper off but before they even made contact he heard a voice that made him go cold.

  
"Hey, Kaspbrak," Eddie turned slowly to face Sammy who was stood alongside some of her own friends, smirk on her face, "Long time no see, love the new decorations on your locker, they suit you."

  
"What the fuck have you done?" Eddie asked, his voice shaking.

  
"I told you that if you got in the way of Richie and I, I'd tell everyone what you are," Eddie felt sick, "I would tell everyone that you're a fucking homo."

  
"But... I haven't done _anything_? I stayed away from him, I gave up _all my friends_."

  
"You came between Richie and I with all your pathetic moping, you couldn't just stay the fuck away but I get it, must be hard when your in love with him," Eddie paled at the crowd that started gathering gasped and the murmurs increased, "It must be so hard living with the fact you're in love with Richie Tozier, what was it you said, Eds? He was the guy who made you realise you were gay?"

  
"I... I'm not... I don't..."

  
"Cut the crap Kaspbrak, everyone knows you're a filthy queer," She said, her smile was bright and bubbly but her eyes were dark and vicious, "You even told me yourself, remember? You told me all about how you came out to that dirty bitch, Marsh."

  
"Don't you fucking dare say one bad thing about Beverly," Eddie snapped, "Say what you want about me but you do _not_ insult Bev."

  
"Awh bless, trying to play the tough guy when you're so pathetic the only friends you had were a slut, a stuttering idiot, a fatty, a jew, a complete nut-job and a ni-" Eddie hit her before she could finish her sentence, he knew exactly what she was going to call Mike and he wasn't going to stand by and let that happen; he was a nice guy and a good friend and deserved better than racist words from some bitch, "You asshole!" She was yelling now as she stumbled back into one of her friends, clutching her nose, "How _dare_ you?"

  
"How dare I? You have no right to say any of that about my friends, Richie left you and I can see why, you are a manipulative, vile bitch who doesn't deserve him, you don't even deserve any of the friendship that my friends gave you," Eddie was shaking, his knuckles throbbed from how hard he punched her, "You do _not_ get to talk about them like that."

  
"You disgusting fairy, you think _I'm_ a bad person? At least I don't have a huge crush on my best friend who is the same fucking gender, at least I was born right and I'm not some sick freak," Sammy spat on him and Eddie took a step backwards,wiping his face as he tried not to gag at the feeling of it on his skin, "You're sick, you need some fucking help."

  
"Why are you doing this?" It felt like the gathering of people around him was getting larger and closing in, he couldn't breathe.

  
"I already told you, I fucking hate you," Sammy straightened herself up, wiping her bloody nose on the back of her hand, "You're fucking dead, Kaspbrak." The evil glint in her eyes made Eddie realise that she wasn't fucking around and he did that only think he could think of and ran. He pushed through the crowd that had formed and ran as fast as he could away from her, away from her cruel words, away from everyone stares because they knew; they all knew he was gay and they all knew he was in love with Richie Tozier and now he was _never_ going to get his friends back.

  
Eddie kept on running until his lungs hurt and he was hidden in the depths of the library, it was pretty empty as he made his way to the back and sat at one of the tables. He wanted to cry but he couldn't even breathe enough, it was all choked up and ragged and he felt like he was going to pass out. Eddie has never felt so scared before in his life but he doesn't understand why Sammy would tell everyone since he stayed away from Richie, he stayed away from all his friends and was mean to them so they would stay away from him. So why would she out him? What happened between her and Richie? Was that what Beverly wanted to talk about on Friday? Eddie couldn't wrap his head around his own thoughts, was it possible that Richie broke up with Sammy and she was just pissed and upset so she was taking it out on him? Did Eddie really ruin his relationships with the best friends he could ever have for nothing?

Eddie covered his mouth with his hand as the tears started to fall, he wanted to believe that this day really couldn't get any worse when a hand painfully landed on his shoulder, causing him to tense up.

  
_"Hey there, Kaspbrak, we've been looking for you... gay boy."_


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie really couldn't understand why everyone was staring at him as he walked towards his usual table with the losers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry i said this chapter would have been up last night but i fell asleep as i was editing it 
> 
> tw/// gay slur used in the last sentence

Richie really couldn't understand why everyone was staring at him as he walked towards his usual table with the losers. He took his usual seat besides two empty chairs now that Sammy was out of the picture and Eddie was still not talking to any of them, and looked at his friends who all looked just as confused.

  
"What's with all the attention? Anyone know?" Richie asked.

  
"We were hoping _you_ would know," Stan said, "Everyone has just been staring at us, it's a little weird."

  
"When i was walking hear everyone was just whispering and I don't understand, like... have I done something weirder than normal lately?" Richie said, "Nobody stuck a 'Please laugh and stare at me' note on the back of my shirt right?" 

  
"There's no note," Richie jumped as the chair beside him moved and a girl his kinda recognised sat down besides him, "It's not about you directly."

  
"What do you mean Amy?" Ben asked, the name _Amy_ spiked a bit of jealousy through Richie ever since Bev told him last week that Eddie was hanging out with her.

  
"It's to do with Richie but not directly... it's about..."

  
"Eddie?" Richie took a wild guess, his throat tightening as the panic set in when Amy nodded her head, "Jesus... what do you mean by that?"

  
"Your girlfriend is spreading some nasty shit about him around school."

  
"Ex-girlfriend." Richie corrected.

  
"Whatever, that's not the point, the point is that she's gone full psycho and told everyone he's... ya know... gay." Richie tense up and Bev gasped but it sounded choked like it was almost a sob.

  
"Do... do you know where he is?" Bev asked but Amy shook her head.

  
"I haven't seen him since this morning but Leigh was telling me that apparently Sammy and Eddie were shouting at each other outside his locker and she was really rude about you guys."

  
"W-what?" Bill moved his chair in a little closer, "W-what was s-she say-saying?"

  
"Uh... he said that Sammy was calling you all names but then she was going to say something, like, super racist about Mike so Eddie punched her." The table went silent for a moment.

  
"Eddie did _what?"_ Mike asked, "He punched her to stop her saying something about... me?"

  
"Yeah, Leigh said Eddie punched her and just went mental, yelling how she shouldn't disrespect you guys, that she didn't deserve his friends friendship."

  
"I can't believe he would do that for me... for us, we have't spoken to him in a month."

  
"He really misses you guys, we've only been hanging out for about a week but he really likes telling me stories about you guys, it's nice." Richie gripped the side of the table, he didn't _care_ about how Eddie liked to reminisce or whatever, he only cared about Eddie _right now._

  
"Sorry to cut in this touching moment but like... we need to find Eddie, right? Talking about him isn't going to help him," Richie said, he couldn't look at any of his friends in fear of crying, "Sammy just told the school he was gay so people are going to be after him."

  
"If she told him he was gay then why are people looking at Richie funny?" Stan asked.

  
"Sammy told everyone that Eddie got in between Richie and Sammy because Eddie is in love with Richie."

  
"But that's... that's not true." Richie said, he could feel his heart rate increase at the thought of Eddie even remotely liking him back.

  
"Whether it's true or not, it's what everyone believes." Richie couldn't listen to anymore, not when Eddie could be in so much trouble, he stood up quickly causing his chair to fall over behind him and more people turned to look but he really couldn't care less.

  
"Rich?" Bev leaned over the table to hold his wrist but Richie moved his arm away.

  
"I have to find him... I... I... he's my best friend and I need to make sure he's okay/"

  
"I'll come with you."

  
"We a-all w-will," Bill said, "L-losers st-stick together." 

  
"He stood up for us." Mike said, standing up and walking to stand beside Richie, "Losers stick together no matter what." 

  
"Let's go find Eddie." Bev said as she stood up too, it didn't take long before the rest of the losers and Amy had all stood up and were walking out of the cafeteria to search for Eddie; they split up to cover more ground faster, Bill and Amy went left and the others went right with the thought that Mike and Stan would split at the hall past the lockers and Bev, Ben and Richie would continue forward.

  
Stan and Mike were just about to turn the corner when Richie stopped in front of Eddie's locker, his stomach twisting when he saw the messages taped onto it, the others walked closer to him, Richie heard someone gasp as anger welled up inside him and he tore them all off, scrunching it up and throwing it to the ground but he almost regretted it when he saw what was underneath. 

  
"Oh my god," Bev said, standing behind Richie and putting a hand on his shoulder, "That's disgusting." 

  
"Who the fuck would write that?" Richie said, his hand reaching out to touch the letters that were practically carved into Eddie's locker.

  
"Do you think he saw this?" Stan asked.

  
"I don't know it was covered when we got here but those weren't much better," Mike said, "Whatever he saw won't have been good for him, but this... this is really something else."

  
"Do you think we should report this?" Ben said, Bev dropped her hand from Richie's shoulder and turned to face Ben.

  
"And who the hell is going to listen? Nobody cares when the little gay boy gets hurt." Bev snapped, bringing Richie out of his trance and jerking his hand away as if the threat on the locker had burnt him, "I'm sorry Ben... I just... I..."

  
"Don't apologise," He hugged her briefly, "I know."

  
"Oh, Richie, I didn't realise you felt that way about Kasbrak," Richie spun around when he heard Sammy's voice, she was smirking and in that moment Richie really did begin to question what he ever saw in her, "Thought you said he was your best friend."

  
"Oh fuck off, you know I didn't write this," Richie was so angry but he couldn't help but feel the pride that welled up inside him from the bruising on her face which was obviously caused by Eddie, "What the fuck are you doing here hanging around his locker haven't you got anything better to do?"

  
"I'm just passing by." She twirled her hair in her fingers, Richie used to find it cute but now he sees it how Eddie must have; condescending, mocking... just plain and simply rude, it angered Richie further.

  
"You started all this," Beverly stepped forward, her fists clenched so tightly her knuckles were white, and Richie could see the tears in her eyes, "You had /no/ right to do what you did."

  
"And what did I do then Beverly?"

  
"You know exactly what you've done, he did what you asked of him and yet you still told everyone his secret, you make me sick." Sammy just rolled her eyes.

  
"Whatever, I told him not to get in the way and he did, Kaspbrak had it coming." Sammy took a step forward too but Richie stood in between them, the last thing he wanted was for Bev to get into trouble because of Sammy; if they fought Bev would get the blame, it's how it works and it's shit.

  
"Get in the way of what? What are you both talking about?" He asked.

  
"Us."

  
"What?"

  
"I told him to stay away because he was causing nothing but trouble between us," Sammy's smile turned sad as she reached out to touch Richie but he grabbed her wrist before she could, "I wanted to realise he wasn't as important as he thought he was."

  
"Fuck you, Eddie never did anything wrong, he was my best friend and you tore us apart, the reason we split up was because you're rude to my friends and you're not as nice as I thought you were," Richie said, "You lied to me, you hurt me and I'm not going to stand here and let you disrespect Eddie like this, he is so important to me."

  
"Even after the little secret he's been hiding from you? How can you even want to look at him knowing that every time you see him he's thinking about kissing you? How can you be okay with knowing something like that?"

  
"You really have no idea." Richie said, his voice low and he didn't care whether Sammy picked up on his meaning; he wanted to tell her just how okay he was with the idea of kissing Eddie, he wanted to tell her he was only ever with her because he never thought he'd have a chance with Eddie and she was the first girl to notice him, that he dated her because she was easy to date. He had so much he wanted to tell her but he kept his mouth shut.

  
"Richie! We think we know where he is!" Amy said as she ran down the hall, Bill following close behind her. 

  
"W-what is g-going on?" Bill asked, his eyes darting between Bev, Richie and Sammy.

  
"Don't worry yourself over this little situation Billy Boy, you should be worrying about that little queer you all seem so fond of," Sammy said as she snatched her wrist from Richie's grip, "He's who you should be worried for." The way Sammy started smirking made Richie go cold.

  
"What the fuck did you do?" He snapped and, _god_, he really wanted to fucking hit her, he's never wanted to hurt someone so badly in his life; he wanted her to feel as much pain as what Eddie must be feeling right now.

  
"Nothing, I haven't done anything, just somebody asked me his likely location and I let him know."

  
"Who?"

  
"Oh, you'll know, Tozier." Richie's stomach dropped and he grabbed Beverly's hand. He couldn't take his eyes off Sammy even as Amy started talking about a crowd that started in the library but then it was taken outside. He couldn't get that locker out of his head either, those words no longer felt like a threat but a promise and he felt so scared, all he wanted was to get to Eddie and to make sure he was okay and safe and that crowd had _nothing_ to do with him and that monster Sammy was hinting at because it has to be him, it must be him because who else would it be? He's been kept back more times than he should so he's already full of pent up anger and Richie knew he wouldn't see Eddie as a likely threat because he's so small, he had hurt them all before: _fucking Bowers._

  
As soon as Amy and Bill had told them what they had heard, Richie and Bev pushed past their friends and took off running towards the front doors of the school before the other could say 'we got to go'. Richie needed to be there for Eddie, those words on his locker still filling his mind.

  
_We'll kill you, fag boy._


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie knew Bowers was saying something to him but there was ringing in his ears from the punch to the face he had received.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a longer chapter  
tw for slurs and violence  
i am,,, sorry

Eddie's whole mouth tasted metallic from the blood from his split lip, Bowers' fist to his face causing him to fall into the shelves of books and Eddie was just able to grab hold of one of the shelves before he fell over but he didn't get to gather himself before Bowers' was grabbing hold of his backpack. Eddie knew he was saying something to him but there was ringing in his ears from the punch to the face he had received, he felt dizzy and _scared_ and all he wanted was to run away but he couldn't as Bowers dragged him out of the library, he could have slipped his backpack off but even if Eddie did that he knew one of Bowers lackeys would have grabbed him and this situation would be ten times worse.

  
He stumbled over his feet as Bowers pulled him along, a crowd was forming and following behind them and Eddie felt humiliated because everyone knew what was going to happen and they were okay with that, some were chanting _'hit the gay boy'_. Eddie knew coming out would be bad but he didn't expect it to be this bad, he didn't expect to be outed and an hour after be beaten up. Bowers opened the doors to the entrance of the school and pushed him down the stairs, Eddie grazed his palms as he stopped himself from hitting his face off the concrete when he rolled down the last step. He bit his lip which was a mistake since it was already split, he tried not to wince; he didn't want to give Bowers the satisfaction of knowing how much this hurt. 

  
"Get up, Kaspbrak," Bowers was stood over him now, Eddie struggled to push himself up, "I said: get up." He kicked Eddie in the stomach which really didn't help him, he winced and Bowers started screaming at him as he grabbed his backpack again and lifted him off the ground but this time Eddie slipped out of it and stepped away from him, his whole body burning from pain. 

  
"Just fuck off Bowers, you've done enough now..." 

  
"Done enough?" Bowers laughed as he chucked Eddie's bag at his head, Eddie just managed to duck and miss it, "I've only just started." 

  
"How many years have you been held back now? Do you ever want to leave this school or are you determined to stay forever and watch as the younger kids you couldn't intimidate pass by and actually do something with their lives?" Eddie tried to sound brave, he wanted to make Bowers think he really wasn't scared of him despite how terrified he actually was. 

  
"Fuck you Kaspbrak, fairies like you don't do shit with their lives," He stepped forward, Eddie reminded where he was, "Fairies like you are sick in the head, you need putting down." 

  
"Putting down? I'm not your dog." 

  
"No, you're not, freaks like you are below them, you're nothing." Bowers grabbed the front of Eddie's shirt, the crowd were chanting and yelling and all Eddie could think, while Bowers was punching his face and shoving him between his two lackeys like some twisted game of catch, was '_why is nobody helping me?'._ A crowd this big shouldn't go unnoticed, teachers should see this but the ones Eddie saw just walked past as if they didn't care and that's when it hit him; people don't care, they don't care about boys like him. 

  
Eddie could feel the tears in his eyes and he desperately tried not to cry, he didn't want them to know how badly he was hurting. He was pushed towards Bowers again only this time Bowers moved away and laughed as Eddie fell backwards onto the wet concrete below, the crowd just got closer and closer and Eddie wanted nothing more than for this to just _end_; he could feel the blood from his nose all over his face, he could feel the tender spots on his stomach, he could feel the cold seep into his bones from where he just laid, painting, on the ground. Henry Bowers stood over him, crouching down to get closer to Eddie's face and grabbed his hair tightly. 

  
"Had enough yet, queer?" Eddie didn't bother responding, instead he spat in his face, it was mostly just blood and it's something Eddie has never done before in his life and he knew it was a mistake but if Bowers did kill him at least people wouldn't have seen him being scared. Bowers stood up, trying his best to rub the blood from his face, "You fucking disgusting freak!" he brought his foot down straight onto Eddie's fingers and this time he couldn't help but scream, even the crowd took a step back and Eddie couldn't stop himself from laughing through the pain; those people could watch Bowers beat the shit out of him, but break his fingers? No that's too much. 

  
"What the fuck? Eddie!" Eddie recognised the voice that normally brought him so much relief, but not this time. He moved his head to the side to see Richie pushing his way through the crowd, closely followed by the rest of the losers and Amy. 

  
"Oh look? Gay boys boyfriend has arrived," Bowers turned his back on Eddie to face the others, "Sorry to say you've missed most of the show." 

  
"Fuck off Bowers, haven't you got bored of beating on people yet? Get a fucking life and fuck off." Richie said. 

  
"And what happens if I don't?" 

  
"Remember what happened at the quarry that summer? When a bunch of fucking twelve year olds took you down?" Richie stepped closer, "Want everyone to know? Would you like us to do it again?" Bowers seemed to tense up for a moment before shoving Richie out of the way and storming off. Stan and Bill were by Eddie's side as soon as Bowers turned to leave. 

  
"The rest of you just fuck off," Bev snapped, her voice sounded thick with tears, "You're all just as bad as that dickhead, you disgust me." Nobody seemed to want to argue with her as the crowd started to part and people started making their way back to class. Beverly ran to him, she was crying and it just hurt Eddie further. 

  
"What are you guys doing here?" Eddie asked, trying not to cry out as Bill and Stan got him standing. 

  
"I'm going to call an ambulance." Amy said, barely even looking at Eddie before running off, he didn't want an ambulance but she was gone before he could argue. 

  
"What do you mean what are we doing here?" Bev asked, wiping her eyes, "You're our best friend so where else would we be?" 

  
"I'm not your friend?" 

  
"You don't need to do that anymore Eddie, Sammy told us everything." Mike said. 

  
"We still love you, and you should know that we'd support you through anything." Eddie wanted to cry at Ben's words, he missed his friends so much, Bill and Stan held him tighter when he knees gave way. 

  
"We need to sit you down Eddie, do you think you can make it to the bench?" Stan's words were soft, he was so kind, Eddie nodded despite knowing he couldn't. Every step felt like he was getting punched all over again, the pain from his fingers were making him want to throw up. 

  
As soon as he was sat down Bill was leaning him forward and Bev was holding tissue under his nose as she pinched the bridge, he winced, "I know it hurts Eddie, but we need to stop the bleeding." 

  
"Do you think it's broken?" Eddie asked, "Never had a broken nose before." 

  
"I have no idea sweetheart, I'm so sorry." 

  
"Don't be." 

  
"This is my fault, I'm so sorry." 

  
"Stop it, it's not your fault," Eddie hated the fact he couldn't look at his friends but maybe it was easier this way, "You didn't out me and it's not your fault I'm gay." 

  
"S-so it's t-true?" Bill asked, Eddie wanted to cry, he said it out loud and you can't take that back. 

  
"It's true," Eddie could hear the ambulance, his head was spinning and he wanted to throw up, then it hit him that Richie was the only one who kept his distance, "Haven't you got anything to say Trashmouth?" Eddie asked, he moved his face away from Bev and pushed himself off the bench despite his friends trying to pull him back down, Richie looked at him. 

  
"Is it true?" Richie asked, his eyes were wide and confused and Eddie had missed his voice so much. 

  
"I just admitted I was gay, what else do you want from me?" 

  
"Not that, the being in love with me part," Richie stepped a little closer and Eddie's stomach dropped, "Sammy said you were in love with me, is that true?" 

  
"I..." Eddie could feel his anxiety spiking but he knew he couldn't deny it, "Yes, it's true." Nobody said anything for a while and Eddie felt dizzy, he could feel his knees shaking and then it happened. 

  
Richie stepped forward and tenderly held Eddie's face in his hands and _kissed him_. Richie was kissing him. He was being kissed by Richie. He was being kissed by the one guy who meant everything to him. 

  
_And he hated it._

  
Eddie pushed him away, he was going to be sick, he could feel it in his throat and he must have been swaying because Beverly was quick to hold him in place. He could hear Amy talking to someone in the distance through the ringing in his ears. 

  
"What the fuck Richie?" Eddie snapped, he was so angry. 

  
"You... I... What?" Richie seemed to disheartened but he had no right to feel like that, it's all his _fault. _

  
"We haven't spoken in months, you distanced yourself away from me for weeks before that for your fucking girlfriend who is the reason I just got beaten up," Eddie was barely even thinking about what he was saying, words were just spilling out of his mouth now, "You chose her over me, you put her first despite saying I was the most important person to you, you lead me on for weeks before you even introduced that bitch to us, and what? You think a _kiss_ is going to make everything better?" 

  
"No, Eds, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking and..." 

  
"No, you weren't fucking thinking, that's your problem, you never do think," Eddie was crying now, "You ruined me Richie, this is all your fault." 

  
"What...?" 

  
"Without you I wouldn't have realised I was into guys, I wouldn't have had to struggle being in love for such a long time and I wouldn't have had to struggle with this sickness deep inside me," Eddie's head was spinning as he tried to maintain eye contact with Richie, "Without you, I wouldn't currently be stood here like this, would I? You don't get to learn my feelings now and kiss me like everything is okay when... When it's... It's..." Eddie didn't get to finish his sentence, he felt his mind go blank. He could heard his friends screaming, he could hear voices shouting medical terms but the only thing he could focus on before he hit the ground was the tears on Richie's face and the way his blood looked like on Richie's lips. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's eyes rolled back as he collapsed into a heap on the floor and Richie screamed, he couldn't stop screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait between updates! I've been sick so writing wasn't really happening and I didn't want to be put off so I took a small break from it........ anyway, here's the new chapter. i'd say enjoy but idk

"You don't get to learn my feelings now and kiss me like everything is okay when... When it's... It's..." Eddie's eyes rolled back as he collapsed into a heap on the floor and Richie _screamed_, he couldn't stop screaming. The paramedics were around Eddie before Richie could even move, he felt his knees shake and he was crying but Richie didn't care how loud he was sobbing as the paramedics put Eddie's damaged body onto a stretcher, Stan explaining what had happened, he didn't care about anything besides Eddie. A teacher had come out, demanding to know what was going on but Richie was still screaming Eddie's name as he was wheeled away into the back of the ambulance and Richie wanted to be the one beside him but Bev was holding him close, trying to explain that Stan was going so Eddie wouldn't be alone, that it would be better for Eddie. 

  
Richie just sobbed harder as he fell to his knees, Beverly going down with him as he gripped onto her tightly. He had caused this, he never wanted Eddie to be hurt and he had been hurting him for so long. He ruined everything for some stupid girl that he didn't really like all that much, who he was sort of using like jerk because he thought he could never be with Eddie. Beverly was running her fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down but Richie couldn't stop thinking about the pain in Eddie's eyes, in his words, he couldn't stop thinking about the blood on his face and the tears on his cheeks. Richie licked his lips and wanted to vomit, the taste of blood, _Eddie's blood_, coated them and he never imagined his first kiss with the boy he loved to go like that.

  
The ambulance left with Eddie and Stan, Ben and Amy were talking to the teacher and Mike and Bill were stood beside Richie and Bev, unsure about what to do now which was understandable, what do you do after watching your best friend get beaten up and then collapse into a heap? What do you do when you're unsure whether your best friend is dead or alive and _fuck_... that was a situation Richie couldn't cope with thinking about, he needed to make it up to Eddie and how would he be able to do that if Eddie died? How could he live without him?

  
Once the teacher was up to date with the current situation, they were taken to the headteachers office where parents were called to take the losers home, each one too distressed to go back to class; Bill started crying as soon as he saw his parents, Ben's mum looked so terrified as she hugged him close, Bev's aunt fussed over both Beverly and Richie and Mike's grandparents kept talking about pulling him out of school. Richie cried even harder at that, Mike had only just be allowed to start their school last year and now, because of how badly Richie had treated Eddie and what had happened to him, Mike was being threatened with homeschooling again. It wasn't _fair_.

  
Maggie Tozier was the last parent to arrive, she turned up while the headteacher was on the phone to Stan's parents to tell them the situation, Maggie held Richie close, they hadn't always seen eye to eye but when Richie needed her, his mom always seemed to be there and right now he needed her more than ever. She whispered soothing things to him but it didn't help, how could it when Eddie was so badly hurt? 

  
Richie was in a daze as the headteacher spoke to them, telling them to go home, that they will sort everything out and they will be contacted, they were told to take a few fays off and come back when they are ready and that Mrs Kaspbrak had been informed about what had happened to her son. That broke Richie's stupid daze, if Sonia knew about Eddie then he could kiss seeing him ever again goodbye, she wouldn't let Richie anywhere near Eddie. Richie stood up and walked out of the headteachers office before he was dismissed, he was pushing open the school doors before anyone caught up to him.

  
"Richie! Richie wait up!" Richie stopped when he heard Beverly shout after him, his hand on the door ready to push it open.

  
"What?"

  
"Where the hell are you going?"

  
"To Eddie?"

  
"How do you expect to get there?" Richie still didn't turn around to look at her, the tears were pooling in his eyes again.

  
"I don't know and I don't care, I'll gt there," Richie said, "I'll get a buss or _something_, I just need to be there."

  
"Sweetheart," he didn't even realise his mom had followed after him, Maggie's voice made him want to cry, she sounded so soft and when she wrapped her arms around his shoulders he couldn't help but sob, "I know you must be so scared, but Eddie..."

  
"Needs me, this is my fault mom, I need to be there and if Sonia gets there first then... she'll never let me see him ever again." Maggie was quiet for a moment before pressing a kiss to the top of her son's head.

  
"We'll go, come on, lets go," She turned to look at Beverly, "Would you like a lift to see him too?" 

  
"I need to go ask my aunt real quick and..." Maggie nodded.

  
"We'll be in the car." Richie still didn't turn to look at his friend as his mom pushed the doors open and walked him to the car, holding him close to her; she even made sure he was properly fastened in before she got into the car herself, something she hadn't done since he was really young. 

  
Things were quiet for a while as they waited for Bev, it was getting a little awkward until Maggie handed him a wipe, he took it from her. 

  
"What's this for?" 

  
"The blood on your face." 

  
"Oh." Richie felt sick, he'd forgotten about that but when he'd finished wiping around his mouth the wipe was red; a stark reminder as to what had happened to Eddie and what Richie did. 

  
"Rich, what happened?" Maggie kept her tone soft. 

  
"You were told what happened." 

  
"You have to communicate with me Richard, I know Eddie was attacked because of a rumour but what happened?" She put a hand on his shoulder, "Please, talk to me." 

  
"Remember... Remember when I told you I broke up with Sammy?" 

  
"Yes, it wasn't that long ago." 

  
"Yeah, sure... Remember when I said Eddie was avoiding me?" 

  
"It's been over a month, I remember." 

  
"Well, the two things are linked." Richie said. 

  
"What do you mean?" 

  
"Sammy knew something about Eddie and blackmailed him to stay away from all of us, when I broke up with her because I missed Eddie so much and she was so rude... She told everyone his secret." 

  
"What's his secret?" 

  
"Promise not to tell dad?" 

  
"Rich..." 

  
"No," Richie turned to look at his mom, his hands shaking, "You promise me right now that you wont tell dad." 

  
"I promise, Jesus, what's wrong?" Richie took a deep breath but kept eye contact with his mother.

  
"Eddie is gay." 

  
"Oh..." 

  
"Sammy told everyone and Bowers beat him up," Richie said, "They wrote abuse all over his locker and when we finally got to Eddie Bowers had stomped on his fingers so hard I heard them snap and _nobody did a thing."_

  
"Jesus Christ, that's awful... poor Eddie," Maggie covered her mouth and looked away for a moment, Richie watched as she composed herself, ""But why would she use that against him?" 

  
"She was jealous because... because he's in love with me." She turned to look at him again.

  
"What?" 

  
"And I love him too." Her grip on his shoulder tightened as the back door opened and everything became awkward again as Bev got in. 

  
"You love Eddie?" Bev asked, her tone was shocked and Richie didn't understand why; he thought he made his feelings very clear earlier. 

  
"Of course I do, that's why I kissed him." 

  
"You did _what?_" His mom asked, her eyes were wide but he was struggling to understand what she was feeling right now. 

  
"I kissed him, that's why I have blood on my face, it's not mine, it's his and he told me it was all my fault which is why I have to go right now before Sonia gets there and I'm never allowed to see him again," Richie said, "Mom please, we can talk about this later but right now I really need to be there for my best friend." Maggie just nodded, she removed her hand from his shoulder and started the car. 

  
The drive was silent, nobody dared to say anything and Richie understood why; he just told his mom he was in love with another boy and that's enough to make any situation awkward. He was almost glad for the silence because it meant he didn't have to explain himself to his mom or Bev but he _hated_ it because he couldn't shake Eddie from his mind. He didn't think about the rest of the losers who he had left behind at school without seeing if they were going to see Eddie too; he didn't stop to ask Bill and Ben if they were okay after what they just witness, he didn't even want to talk to Mike about whether he really thought his grandparents would pull him out of school. He just couldn't stop replaying those five minutes before Eddie collapsed right in front of him, he couldn't get the way his eyes rolled back so far that for a split second Richie was convinced that Eddie was possessed and he couldn't shake the fear that Eddie would never wake up or, if he did wake up, that he would never want to see Richie again and he could never explain how he really felt about his best friend. 

  
Richie looked out of the window, the rain now pouring like it had all night, he shut his eyes as he rest his forehead against the cold glass. For the first time in a while, he was so _scared_. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie had barely put the car in park before Richie was climbing out, Beverly following him close behind, mainly because Maggie told her to keep an eye on him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait, turns out i wasn't getting better and i just got worse but hey! i am actually not sick anymore!!! which means i can focus back on writing again!!

Maggie had barely put the car in park before Richie was climbing out, Beverly following him close behind, mainly because Maggie told her to keep an eye on him. Derry hospital wasn't very big but he still had no idea where to go and he knew asking at the front desk wouldn't work because they would refuse to give him the information, he stood in the reception just aimlessly staring as he realised how clueless he really was. 

  
"Rich?" Bev put her hand on his shoulder, "What's wrong?" 

  
"I don't know where to go," Richie felt stupid, "I didn't think this far ahead." 

  
"It's okay, we can follow the signs until we find Stan, that'll give us a clue." 

  
"Oh fuck, I forgot he was here." Richie pulled his hoodie sleeves over his hands, "He must be shitting himself." 

  
"Who?" Richie turned his head to look at his mom who was now stood behind them, she didn't look at her son as she put her car keys in her handbag; Richie's stomach sank. 

  
"Stan, he's here with Eddie." Maggie nodded. 

  
"Let's go find him," She looked at the signs above her, "Let's start with accident and emergency." 

  
They walked down the halls, getting lost a couple of times as they took wrong turns into different wards and eventually Maggie lied to a nurse, saying she lost her son who came in with a friend. The nurse didn't even question her, she just walked them all to the "sad boy by himself", Stan was sat on a chair outside one of the rooms, he was crying and it broke Richie's heart; Stan isn't supposed to be crying, Stan shouldn't be sad, this is all so messed up. 

  
"Stan," Bev rushed to him first, holding him close as he cried into her shoulder, "It's okay, we're here now, it's okay." 

  
"It's not okay Bev, none of this is." he sobbed. 

  
"What's happened Stanley? Is Eddie okay?" Maggie asked, taking the other seat next to Stan, leaving Richie to awkwardly linger in the middle of the hall as he watched his mother comfort Stan when she wouldn't even look at him. 

  
"I don't know, they won't tell me anything since I'm not his next of kin," Stan said, "They won't release information until Sonia gets here." 

  
"Is... Is he in that room?" Richie asked, still not moving from his spot. 

  
"He is now, all I know at the moment is that they had to take him for minor surgery and I only know all this because I overheard the doctors yelling at each other." 

  
"Fuck... Eds..." Richie walked towards the door, he could just see his best friend lying in the bed, tubes and wires covering him as he slept, bandages and swelling made it so hard to tell that is was Eddie (_sweet, beautiful Eddie who'd never hurt anyone_), it made it a little easier for him to convince himself it wasn't him. 

  
But it was, it was Eddie. It was his best friend and it wasn't some awful nightmare that he'd wake up from. Richie had his hand on the door when he heard the voice that makes the hairs on his arm stand up. 

  
"What are _you_ all doing here?" Sonia Kaspbrak stood only two foot away from them all, rollers still half tangled in her hair, mismatched tracksuit thrown on as her cheeks turned pink in anger, "You," She said, pointing at Richie, "Take your filthy hands of that door handle right now." 

  
"But..." 

  
"I said: _right now._" She snapped, Richie dropped his hand to the side. His mother stood up. 

  
"Sonia, please calm down and..." 

  
"Calm down? _Calm down?_" She stepped closer to Maggie, "How dare you tell me to calm down when _my_ son is laying in that hospital bed." 

  
"I know, but let's be rational and..." 

  
"I knew your son and his friends were all trouble, I've said it for years, whenever Eddie is around them he gets hurt." 

  
"That's not true Mrs Kaspbrak..." 

  
"Shut up, Miss Marsh," Her eyes were like daggers and her voice was just as sharp, "May I remind you what happened to little Eddie and his arm?" 

  
"That happened nearly five years ago." 

  
"Don't talk back to me, it could have been five years, it could have been five minutes; what matters is that it happened and you are responsible," Sonia adjusted her bag on her shoulder, "I want you all to leave."

  
"Can I please see him... please." Richie begged, he had sunk so low that he was willing to get on his knees to plead for just five minutes alone with Eddie.

  
"No, I want you nowhere near him, now get out."

  
"Sonia, listen, I know this is hard but these are Eddie's friends," Maggie said, "He'll need them now more than ever."

  
"No he doesn't, he has me and that's all he needs," Sonia snapped, "I know exactly why he's in here, what your dirty boy has done to him and I want him nowhere near my boy." 

  
"And what is that supposed to mean?" 

  
"I know all about the bad intentions your son had for Eddie, his dirty ways trying to infect him," Richie's blood ran cold, "I want him away from my Eddie, he's not going to be anything like him." Maggie's eyes narrowed and Richie thought she was going to stick up for him but his heart broke when she stepped back. 

  
"Let's go." 

  
"But mom, I can't..." 

  
"Richie, stop it, we have to go." 

  
"But..." 

  
"_No_, we have to go." Richie looked back at Eddie through the window, this isn't fair. 

  
He didn't say anything as Stan and Beverly came to stand beside him, each one looking at Eddie before leaving him with Sonia; none of them looked up at her as they passed.

They followed Maggie to the front of the hospital, the three friends clung onto each other as the walked back to the entrance, they were shocked to see their friends all waiting by the front desk, Stan's parents talking to the woman at reception; Stan ran to them. 

  
"How is Eddie?" Ben asked, him, Bill and Mike walking towards Richie and Bev and Maggie went to talk to the parents. Richie didn't answer. 

  
"We don't know, Sonia is here," Bev said, still holding onto Richie, "She won't let us see him." 

  
"Oh..." Richie couldn't look at the sadness that washed over his friends, he stared past them instead, "She'll have to let up at some point?"

  
"You know S-Son-Sonia," Bill said, "She'll ha-have him on l-lock down." 

  
"Maybe he can join me at home school." Mike laughed but it was empty. 

  
"Your grandpa was serious?" Bev asked. 

  
"Yeah, I mean, I might be able to talk him round but right now he wants to pull me out." 

  
"Eddie was right," Richie said, "This is all my fault." 

  
"No, Richie, it's not," Mike said, "This is Sammy's and Bowers' fault." Richie didn't reply. 

  
"What's going to happen next?" Bev said. 

  
"D-don't know y-yet," Bill said, looking back to his parents, "We were t-told to take the rest of the week o-off and they're go-going to talk to th-those in-involved, what hap-happens then... I don't know."

  
"Something better fucking happen." Bev muttered. 

  
Richie didn't say anything else. He didn't say bye to any of his friends when they finally left that hospital. He didn't speak to his mom as they got into the car and he sure as hell didn't say anything to his father when he got home; he walked by Wentworth and went straight upstairs to his room, leaving him mom to explain what had happened while he flopped onto his bed face first and thought about Eddie. 

  
He thought about the way he looked before they fell out, he thought back to every little moment between them that would give him any indication that Eddie liked him back and there were so many. A million memories came flooding his brain all at once as he thought about every touch that was slightly closer than casual and hug that was longer than the ones they shared with the other losers and every hand hold that should have been quick but lasted for hours and trip out that could have easily been a date and every look that lingered a little too long that was always accompanied by a soft smile and nickname give that was stupid but full of affection. There were so many moments where Richie could have kissed him, he could have kissed him and it would have been _right_. 

  
A knock on his door woke him from either a trance or a sleep he didn't realise he'd fallen into but when he opened his eyes his room was dark. His mom opened the door, it was slow like she was nervous. 

  
"Can I come in?" Her voice was low, it was soft and it felt nice to hear her talk to him again after being ignored or snapped at. 

  
"Yeah." Maggie came into the room and shut the door behind her, she didn't turn on the light as she climbed onto the bed next to her son. They both laid there in silence for a while before Maggie broke it. 

  
"I love you," She said, looking at the ceiling, "I hope you know that." 

  
"What?" 

  
"You're my son, you're going through so much and I refuse to be another struggle for you so... So if you," She took a deep breath as Richie rolled over to look at her, "If you love Eddie then that's okay." 

  
"Really?" 

  
"Yes and I'm so sorry for not sticking up for you when Sonia said that awful shit about you, I'm sorry I can't bring myself to tell you're father but they... They scare me," Maggie said, "But you are my son, my _only_ son, and I will never turn my back on you." 

  
"Mom..." 

  
"And I know I haven't been the best mom, we haven't been brilliant parents but I promise you I will try my best, I refuse to let you down any longer." 

  
"You don't let me down."

  
"Yes I do Richie, both me and your father do but I can;t promise that he will change at all but I will stand by you, always," Maggie turned her head and met Richie's eyes, "If you want to be with Eddie and Eddie wants to be with you then I promise I'll will never stand in the way of you both."

  
"Any chance I had with Eddie is long gone mom, he hates me."

  
"I doubt it."

  
"You weren't there, you didn't see him."

  
"No, I didn't see him then but I have seen you two together and how I never saw the way you both looked at each other is beyond me, give him time." Richie scoffed.

  
"As if Sonia will ever let me see him again."

  
"Sonia is a fucking bitch," Richie and his mom both stared at each other, shocked at Maggie's outburst before they both started laughing.

  
"You're not wrong, mom."

  
"I know, but listen to me Richie, Eddie is old enough to make his own choices in life and if he chooses you then fuck what anyone else says, honestly, sweetheart... if the chance arises you take it, okay?" Richie smiled and nodded his head.

  
"Okay mom," Maggie pulled Richie into a hug, "You know I love you too right?"

  
"I know, Richie, I know."


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Eddie woke up the first thing he noticed was how harsh the lighting was, the second thing he noticed was how heavy he felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW I AM SO SORRY IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I UPDATED I WISH I HAD AN EXCUSE BUT IT'S LIT RALLY JUST COS OF WORK AND CHRISTMAS AND LACK OF TIME I AM SORRY
> 
> anyway, merry belated christmas? sorry if it's lame but it's currently 1am and i was determined to get this chapter finished and up before the end of the year
> 
> a few maggie and sonia parallels here 
> 
> ps i am currently doing one of those twitter au's so if you wanna check out that go to my twitter @gayykaspbrak and check out my pinned tweet!

When Eddie woke up the first thing he noticed was how harsh the lighting was, the second thing he noticed was how heavy he felt. When his eyes adjusted to the lighting finally he noticed that there were tubes in his nose and drips in his arm and his first reaction was to _freak the fuck out._ His limbs were still too heavy to move fast and his mouth didn't seem to want to cooperate either and, surprisingly, all he wanted right now was Richie; he wanted his best friend to tell him what was going on and to give him a hug.

  
"Eddie... Eddie stop that," Eddie's blood ran cold when he heard that voice, he stilled, "Thank goodness you're awake, I was so scared and..." Eddie looked at his mom, her nervous ranting falling on deaf ears as he started to focus on _where_ he was. He felt scared.

  
"...Richie?" Eddie said, his throat was dry and his voice was scratchy as he tried to sit up and look for his friend because of course Richie would be here, Eddie was hurt so of course he was, he was, he...

  
"What?" his mom's voice turned harsh.

  
"Where... Richie... I..." Eddie was panicking now, "Want Richie."

  
"After what that boy put you through?" Sonia scoffed, "No way."

  
"Mommy... please."

  
"No, he is the reason you are in here, he is to go nowhere near you." Eddie needed to get out of here, he needed to see Richie to talk to him about... About? _Fuck_, what actually happened? 

  
"Mommy... Why... What...?" He looked down at his body, noticing the bruising and his taped up fingers and bandages, he slowly brought his fingers to his face; it felt puffy and when he pressed harder he couldn't feel pain but it felt numb. 

  
"Stop that Eddie, you'll hurt yourself further," Sonia snapped, moving Eddie's hand away, "You were hurt at school, do you remember?" Eddie settled back down in the hospital bed and looked at his broken fingers as he tried to piece together what had happened to him. He remembered it was raining the night before so he walked to school, he remembered hanging out with Amy and her friends in the morning and... and... he remembered his locker.

  
He remembered every word that was written, every mocking and hurtful phrase, and he remembers her, _Sammy_, laughing like it was some stupid game to her. He remembers hitting her because she was so mean about his friends and then... and then...?

  
"Mommy? I... I don't..." Eddie didn't know what to say; he didn't remember? He thinks he does but he's not sure? Would she just worry further and convince herself Eddie had memory loss?

  
"You don't remember do you?" Her tone of voice was already panicked and it just added more stress onto Eddie, "I'm going to get a doctor and.."

  
"No ma, I kinda... I don't know.... help me."Eddie hated how hard it was for him to get his words out, how long has he been in here anyway?

  
"Okay, but if this doesn't jog anything I am getting a doctor because a brain is a delicate thing Eddie-Bear," Sonia said as she sat back down in the chair next to Eddie's bed, "Two days ago, while at school..."

  
_"Two days ago?"_

  
"Yes Eddie, you've been in here two days already, it's been so scary for me," Sonia said and Eddie almost couldn't believe it, "But while at school you were beaten up, you've had surgery on your fingers to try and save them with how badly they were broken," _'You fucking disgusting freak!' he brought his foot down straight onto Eddie's fingers and this time he couldn't help but scream_, "You have many minor injuries and several serious ones, including a broken nose," _B__ev was holding tissue under his nose as she pinched the bridge, he winced_, "And fractured cheekbone to name a few." _Bowers' fist to his face caused him to fall into the shelves of books._

  
"Bowers..." Eddie gasped as realisation hit him and the fuzzy picture started to become clearer.

  
"What?"

  
"Bowers... he... he did..." Eddie felt his anxiety spike, "_This_."

  
"The school never gave me a name," Sonia said, "But you're remembering?" Eddie nodded, "This all started because of some silly rumour that Tozier started..."

  
"What? No it wasn't," Eddie said, "Richie stopped him... he helped me... he... he..." Eddie froze, the fight he had with Richie played through his head that started because he... "_Kissed me."_

  
"He did _what_?" Sonia's voice was sharp and Eddie could feel himself shaking as he replayed everything he said to Richie.

  
"He kissed me... I yelled... I yelled at him..." He was crying now, "I blamed him, said it was all his fault."

  
"And it is, how dare he kiss you," Sonia snapped and Eddie cried harder because she doesn't understand what he meant, "Don't cry Eddie-Bear, we will fix this."

  
"The only way to fix it is to apologise to Richie," Eddie sobbed, "I should have kissed him back and..."

  
"You do _not_ have to do things you don't want to to please others."

  
"I _wanted_ him to kiss me," Eddie wept, "I've been wanting him to do that for years."

  
"No you haven't." Sonia's voice had a warning tone to it but Eddie didn't care, there was too much going on inside his head.

  
"I need Richie to come here."

  
"He is not to step foot into the hospital while you are here."

  
"Mommy you don't understand."

  
"No, it is _you_ who doesn't understand Edward," Sonia snapped as Eddie cried harder, "That Tozier is nothing, he is no good for you and I never wanted you to be friends with him, and to find out he kissed you? I am beyond serious, he is to never see you again."

  
"But mommy..."

  
"No, I told him to stay away when he came here and that is my final say."

  
"You did _what?_" Eddie could feel himself slip into an anxiety attack, "You sent him away when I needed him?"

  
"You do not need him, you only need your mother, Eddie-Bear, I'm doing this for you."

  
"But I love him mommy."

  
"No you don't."

  
"I do, I love Richie and I'm gay and I need you to call him so I can say sorry and..."

  
"That is _enough_." Sonia said, standing up, "You are /not/ in love with that boy because you are /not/ gay, you're just sick and it's the pain medication talking."

  
"But... but it's not... why... why won't you support me?"

  
"I do not support liars, Eddie," She said as she pressed the call button near his bed, "Now I'm getting a nurse so she can help you."

  
"I'm not lying mommy... why can't you still love me like Bev does?" Eddie sobbed, his voice and words were choked and he couldn't tell if he was screaming or whispering but all he wanted was his mom's support; he wished he had a normal mother, someone who actually cared for him.

  
"That Marsh girl is dirty, she doesn't love you," His mother said, "Nobody can love you like your own mother Eddie now calm down."

  
"I... I..." Eddie didn't know what to do, he didn't know what to say and he couldn't _breathe_.

  
He couldn't understand why his mom wouldn't listen to him, why she had to tell him he was sick instead of gay when he finally, _finally_, started coming to terms with it. He knew it would be difficult for her to understand but somewhere, deep down Eddie thought his mom actually loved him enough to try and come to terms with it, to try and accept him and to be happy that he was in love. 

  
As the nurse entered the room, talking to him like Eddie could actually here her all he could think about was Richie and the way his looked before Eddie collapsed. He missed his best friend so much and he needed to make this right between them even if it just saved his friendship, he needed to tell Richie that he didn't blame him at all but he didn't know how and Eddie started panicking when the nurse grabbed hold of him causing him to start thrashing around as he screamed. It felt so weird, he knew what he was doing but he couldn't seem to control his reaction. He caught his mother's disappointed look as their eyes met while the nurse pinned him down to the bed and another entered the room.

  
The last thing on his mind was Richie's sad eyes and desperate apology as the second nurse sedated him and he was out cold.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beverly missed Richie, she missed all her friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! another update omg i swear im not giving up on this fic:( i love it sm  
i wanted to upload over the weekend but i was at a concert on saturday and it was my birthday on sunday so i had to put it off but here it is!! sorry for the long gaps, i really hope everyone still reading is enjoying it

Bev knocked on Richie's front door, none of the losers had seen him since Eddie was attacked and it had almost been a week. Beverly missed him, she missed all her friends, she missed hanging out with them at lunch and having fun, she missed school in a weird way; she saw her friends every day and when she was them, things were always better.

  
None of the losers had been back to school; Mike's grandfather made him do school work at home to prove he didn't need to go back unless Mike truly couldn't settle back into homeschooling, Bill's parents didn't want to send him back yet, Stan's parents let him take a day off before trying to force him to go back, Bev's Aunt did the same but neither one of them lasted long before they both started having panic attacks in the middle of the court yard as they remembered what happened to Eddie (the memory was so vivid compared to at home) and were sent home, and Ben really couldn't focus so he spent most of his time with Bev. Having Ben over has been really nice, seeing Stan had been nice (until the panic attacks came), talking to Bill and Mike had been nice but she _misses_ Richie.

  
When nobody answered she knocked again, she heard a faint _'Coming!'_ come from inside that sounded an awful lot like Maggie. Bev waited a couple more minutes before Maggie's opened the door, her hair up in a messy ponytail and she was still pulling on her work uniform but her face seemed to light up when she saw Beverly.

  
"Oh Bev, sweetheart, hi," She said, "So glad you're hear actually, I am running so late and I can't take another day off to keep Richie company."

  
"How is he.?" Maggie's smile turned uneasy.

  
"If you manage to get him out of his room and eat something I would be so grateful, I gotta go though," Maggie grabbed the bag from beside her feet on the floor and the keys out of the door, "If you don't then just please keep him company... please?"

  
"Uh, yeah... of course." Bev's stomach twisted at Maggie's desperate tone.

  
"Thank you." She kissed Bev's forehead before walking out of the house and running to the car leaving Bev stood awkwardly on the front doorstep. Bev watched Maggie leave for work before walking into the Tozier's household and closed the door behind her, it had been a while since she was last over here but she remembered the last time like it was yesterday. She walked through the hall and to the stairs, going straight to Richie's room. Bev knocked lightly before pushing the door open which was still so dark.

  
"Shouldn't you be at work by now?" the Richie shaped lump in the bed muttered into the pillow.

  
"Maybe if I had a job," Beverly said, walking straight across his room to open the curtains and the window letting the light in, "But I'm still just a high school student living off their aunt."

  
"Huh?" Bev turned to face the bed just as Richie was sitting up and grabbing his glasses, "Bev? What are you doing here?"

  
"I missed you, dummy," she said, "I wanted to see you."

  
"Oh..." Richie looked down, "I missed you too, sorry I've just... I'm..."

  
"It's okay, you're still hurting aren't you?" Richie nodded, "Me too." 

  
"Have you seen the other losers? Only Ben and Stan, I've called the others." 

  
"What's going on with them? I haven't spoken to anyone." 

  
"Can I come sit next to you?" Bev asked. 

  
"Oh, uh, yeah, sure." Bev walked over to Richie's bed, she took her shoes and jeans off and got under the covers; bring Richie down next to her, holding him close. He held her back. 

  
"Well, Bill's parents aren't letting him out of their sight for a while, he's staying off until Monday, Mike is back at homeschool..." 

  
"Forever?" 

  
"We don't know, Mike said it was a trail run, if he can't settle back he gets to go to school but right now he can't settle anywhere, he's worried about Eddie as well." 

  
"Oh..." 

  
"Then I saw Stan at school, his parents and my aunt thought a day off would suffice but we stood in the court yard, Eddie's bag was still there and we just freaked out." 

  
"It was still there? Has someone got it? I don't want it to stay there and..." 

  
"Shh... Calm down," She started running her fingers through his hair, "I have it at my house, I wouldn't leave it there."

  
"This is all my fault."

  
"No it isn't."

  
"It is, I should should have just confessed to Eddie and told him how I feel, or at the very least never have dated Sammy because I knew she was just a filler which also makes me sound like a jerk... I just thought maybe I could love her back? But I couldn't." Richie said, "And now Eddie is in hospital, you guys are having panic attacks and Mike isn't allowed back at school despite how badly he fought to start public school with us... I'm so sorry."

  
"Please stop blaming yourself, this isn't healthy and if you crash and burn then who is going to be there for Eddie?"

  
"Bev... he hates me."

  
"No he doesn't."

  
"you heard what he said, he blames me."

  
"I also heard him say he loved you."

  
"But I ruined that, you heard how angry he was."

  
"What I heard was distraught and picked words from a kid who had just been beaten half to death," Bev said, kissing Richie's forehead as he clung onto her tighter, "I heard someone who was terrified and didn't really mean what he said."

  
"I'm scared Bev, I'm scared to face him again, I'm scared to go back to school or to even leave me house, I'm scared he's going to get out of hospital just for him to get put back in..." Richie was crying now and it broke Beverly's heart, "I love him, I really do and I have for so long and I ruined everything."

  
"Please stop saying that Ri..."

  
"No, Bev because I have, I completely fucked up... what kid of dumbass _kisses_ their best friend after they just got beaten up for being gay? I was supposed to make sure he's okay and instead I put myself first and kissed him because all I heard was 'Yes it's true' when I asked if he was in love with me."

  
"Yeah, okay I admit that maybe kissing him wasn't the best call but with how much he loved you I doubted that changes anything."

  
"Oh yeah? And what do you know about his feelings for me?"

  
"He confided in me, he told me it was more than just a stupid crush..." Bev felt her eyes well up as the realisation hit her, "That day when we were both late to lunch... he was telling me all about how much he liked you and... that's when Sammy found out... oh my god..."

  
"What?"

  
"He didn't want to tell me there and then but I kinda forced him to open up.s.. this is my fault and..."

  
"No, Bev... you can't blame yourself for her actions, you know how stubborn Eds is, if he didn't want to tell you he really would have just told you to fuck off." Richie said, "You cannot blame yourself."

  
"Then neither can you."

  
"This is different."

  
"How?"

  
"Because Sammy literally invaded your private conversation and spread it around school after _I_ broke up with her and then _I_ kissed Eddie like an asshole." Bev was quiet for a moment as she thought of something.

  
"We need to go see him."

  
"Wait... what?"

  
"We need to go see Eddie."

  
"But we can't?"

  
"Why not?"

  
"Sonia might literally kill us."

"Not if she doesn't see us."

  
"How to you propose we do that?" Richie asked, sitting up and staring at her.

  
"We will have to sneak in."

  
"Sneak into the hospital?"

  
"Yeah," Bev sat up too, feeling a little excited, "I mean, how hard can it be? We find the room from the outside, signal to Eddie that he needs to come up with an excuse to get his mom out of the room and if he manages we sneak in, we might not be able to spend much time with him but it might be worth it... plus I think I just need to see that he's okay if I ever want to start feeling less anxious about going back to school."

  
"Actually... that doesn't sound half bad... do you think he'd want to see us?"

  
"There's only one way to find out."

  
"I guess you're right."

  
"Of course I am, it's me," Richie laughed, "You go get in the shower and get changed and then we can leave at lunch time, that's our best bet, you know Sonia won't allow Eddie to eat hospital food so maybe he can convince her to go out and get him something."

  
"Yeah... okay... thanks Bev,"Richie's smile was nervous but his eyes seemed hopeful, "Don't know what I'd do without you."

  
"Yeah, yeah," She kissed his cheek, "Go get in that shower and I might even buy us ice-cream on the way down." Richie smiled wider and scrambled to get out of bed.   
Bev watched at he pulled out clothes before running out of the room, she was happy that she was able to cheer Richie up even if it was just a little bit, she knows she'll have to try and have the 'you might feel better with therapy' talk if his mom hasn't already. She was already arranged to meet with the school therapist when she starts back next week, Bev thinks they're all going to be having to have meetings with her. 

  
She could hear Richie singing on and off from the shower, it was great to hear him sing like that again, it's nice to have the Richie she knows back. She just hopes that seeing Eddie will help even more, she hopes Eddie didn't really mean what he said that day but if they left it much longer Bev really didn't know how bad Richie would be; it's something that can't wait, the sooner they see Eddie, the better. 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie would give anything right now to be with his friends, he'd give anything to be far away from his mom living in the little flat he and Richie had been saving up for for years, he'd give anything to - 
> 
> Knock, knock, knock, pause, knock, knock. 
> 
> Eddie tensed up, that sounded so much like... But... 
> 
> Knock, knock, knock, pause, knock, knock. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello sorry for taking one million years to update but this chapter is pretty long so i hope that makes up for it <3

Eddie stared at the ceiling, all he wanted was to go home now; he even rather be at school which was saying something. He just needed a break from being poked and prodded by nurses and from his overbearing mother who was sat on one of the chairs beside his bed, the small TV mounted onto the wall in the corner crackled with static as it played some old reruns of a soap his mother once loved. The only plus side was that he could now move around the room a little bit, not much but at least he could use the bathroom by himself. 

  
He was sat in a chair by the window, tired of sitting in the bed but the view wasn't anything to admire either hence the staring at the ceiling, there was only so long you could stare at the same three trees before you never wanted to see a tree again. Eddie wished Stan was here, if he was he could have told him which birds lived in the nests in the high branches and which were the ones that just visited in a morning to peck at the floor before flying somewhere else, but he wasn't here; none of his friends had been to visit but he didn't blame any of them. He was scared of his own mother, she probably terrified them all, he wouldn't be surprised if he never saw any of them ever again. It would be heartbreaking but their already tense relationship was stretched even further and in all honesty, he couldn't remember everything he had said that day; he knew how awful he was to Richie but what if he insulted the rest of his friends? How could he make it up to _all_ of them when he couldn't even see them? It was almost impossible and Eddie hated it, it made him hate his mother even more. He turned his head to look over at her, she was asleep, it was the only peace he ever got when she was asleep because she couldn't comment on everything, she couldn't try and call a doctor into the room because Eddie winced, she couldn't do _anything_ and it was almost blissful but Eddie would give anything right now to be with his friends, he'd give anything to be far away from his mom living in the little flat he and Richie had been saving up for for years, he'd give anything to - 

  
_Knock, knock, knock,_ pause, _knock, knock. _

  
Eddie tensed up, that sounded so much like... But... 

  
_Knock, knock, knock,_ pause, _knock, knock_. 

  
He turned his head slowly to the window and nearly fell off of the chair when he saw mop of curly hair and the top of those familiar glasses frame, Eddie's hands were shaking and he couldn't stop himself from gasping when the mop of hair moved up, as if the person was standing on their tiptoes, and Eddie made eye contact with Richie. He looked like he was about to knock again but they both had frozen, Eddie could hear the mumbled voice coming from outside and he knew exactly who it was before the fiery hair of Bev could be seen as well, she used the outside ledge to pull herself up and Eddie wanted to break down when she smiled at him, she awkwardly used one elbow to keep herself up and used that hand to single five as she mouthed _'Give us five minutes'._ Eddie glanced over at his mother who was still asleep before looking back at his friends and nodded. Bev smiled widely, Richie was still frozen, he hadn't moved since he last knocked on the window. Eddie was trying to think of how to get his mom to leave the room when Bev slipped and dragged Richie down with her, he heard the thud as they both landed on the ground; Eddie's mom shot up.

  
"What was that?" She turned to look at her son, "Eddie, are you okay? What did you do?"

  
"I... uh... it... I..." Eddie swallowed thickly, feeling a little overwhelmed knowing his friends were just outside, "It wasn't me, there was a cat in the tree... it just jumped out."

  
"It was a pretty loud thud for a cat."

  
"It was... really... fat?" Eddie almost winced at how unsure he sounded, of course his mom wouldn't believe him and Richie and Bev would get caught and...

  
"Some people just aren't supposed to own pets if they miss treat them like that," Sonia said, shaking her head, "You stay away from them, you know how they flare up your allergies." 

  
"It's outside mom, I'm not going to be affected by it." 

  
"There is no need to be cheeky or rude Edward, that was completely disrespectful." 

  
"But mom I..." Eddie sighed, there was no point in arguing because it's a fight he'd never win, "I'm sorry mommy."

  
"It's okay Eddie-bear, how are you feeling?"

  
"Uh... hungry." he lied.

  
"I'll get a nurse to bring you something." Sonia said, moving to press the button.

  
"No!" Eddie winced as he jarred himself reaching out to her in a panic.

  
"Eddie? What was that about? You'll hurt yourself, you're still injured and..."

  
"I know, I'm fine... I promise... I just really don't want hospital food anymore mommy, please."

  
"What is it you want then?"

  
"Uh..." Eddie didn't know what to say, he didn't want to eat _anything_, "The soup you always make me when I'm sick." 

  
"Eddie, how do you expect me to get you that?"

  
"You know it always makes me feel better mommy, I think I'd begin feeling even better if I had some." 

  
"I haven't got any of the stuff in at home to make it, I'd be away for a few hours." Eddie tried not to smile at that fact. 

  
"That's okay mommy, I just want to start feeling better." Eddie put on his best puppy dog eyes for his mom, it didn't take long for her to cave. 

  
"Okay, if it would make you feel better Eddie-bear." 

  
"It would." Sonia got up and grabbed her bag from the floor besides her, she walked over to press a kiss to Eddie's forehead. 

  
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" 

  
"Yes mommy." 

  
"Okay, I'll be back in a few hours, call a nurse if you need anything, we want you to get better, not to suffer." Eddie just nodded. His mom walked towards the door, lingering for a moment to long that made Eddie panic that she'd change her mind and then she opened the door and she was gone. 

  
Eddie watched the clock, waited for a few minutes to pass by before getting off his chair and going back to the window, he checked the lock and saw it opened out. The handle was stiff and he had to pause a few times not to strain himself before he got it open, he popped his head out and looked down at Bev and Richie. 

  
"Hey Eddie, can we come in?" Bev asked, Richie still looked like a dear in headlights. 

  
"Uh... Yeah." He stepped away and let Richie and Bev figure out how to get in; Richie gave Bev a boost, she was so delicate and smooth getting in unlike Richie who jumped and fell. It reminded Eddie so much of when he used to sneak into his bedroom. 

  
"Fucking hell Richie, make any more noise could you? I don't think the other side of the hospital heard you." Bev snapped, helping him up before moving to shut the window. 

  
"Ha ha Bev, I'm fine by the way." Richie said, brushing down his clothes. 

  
"I know." 

  
"What are you guys doing here?" Eddie asked, hands tugging at the bottom of his shirt as he kept his head down, he hadn't seen his friends since the Bowers event and he almost forgot how bruised and gross he looked. 

  
"Do you want us to leave?" Bev asked. 

  
"It's not that, I just don't understand why you're here and why you haven't stayed away? I treated you all so badly, my mom treated you all badly and school won't be any easier on you guys for hanging around the gay kid," Eddie gripped his shirt tighter, feeling tense, "You could have made life easier on yourselves but instead you're here and I don't understand why." 

  
"Because you're our best fucking friend Eds," Eddie felt the tears fall at the sound of Richie's voice, "We'd never leave you, you mean so much to us and who gives a fuck about school? We don't care that you're gay, we support you and you're _our_ friend, everyone else can fuck off." 

  
"Richie..." Eddie felt so stupid when he started sobbing, "I'm so sorry." 

  
"Hey," Richie stepped closer, gently touching Eddie's face, "Hey, look at me." 

  
"No." 

  
"Eds, please." Eddie wanted to refuse again but before he could get the words out of his mouth he was looking up at Richie, "That asshole," Richie moved his other hand to softly brush against Eddie's bruised face, "If I ever see him again, I'll fucking kill him." 

  
"He'd beat your ass Richie." Eddie tried to joke, but his tears made it hard; Richie still smiled softly. 

  
"For you Eds, I'd try my best." 

  
"Thank you... Richie... I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry and I hope you can forgive me." 

  
"For what?" 

  
"All that nasty shit I said, I didn't mean any of it," Eddie started crying harder, "I didn't mean a word of it, I... I..." 

  
"Eddie, its okay, calm down," Richie wrapped his arms around him, his hold was light but it meant everything to Eddie, "Stop crying, I need you to calm down before you hurt yourself further, can you do that?" 

  
"Rich..." 

  
"Come on," Richie let go of him and guided them towards the side of the room, then Richie was pulling Eddie onto the floor, letting him sit between his legs, his back flushed to Richie's chest; Eddie could remember the last time this happened, back at the sleepover at Bill's house. It was a position that Richie found helped Eddie calm down during panic attacks, Eddie found that just being close to Richie helped calm him and it _still_ worked. 

  
Bev lingered, sitting on the bed as Richie spoke softly to Eddie and helped him with his breathing. It was only a few minutes before Eddie had calmed down enough that he could stop crying and he could breathe normally again. He fully relaxed against Richie, who was now playing with Eddie's hair, his ribs were hurting but he knew it would pass if he didn't move much. 

  
"How you feeling Eddie?" Bev asked, breaking the silence. 

  
"Tired, I'm sorry for that," Eddie shut his eyes, "This place is suffocating me and I thought I'd never see you guys again." 

  
"We're not going anywhere, as soon as you leave this hospital we'll all be waiting with open arms." 

  
"Everyone?" 

  
"Yeah, me, Richie, Stan, Mike, Bill and Ben," Bev said, "We all miss you." 

  
"Oh..." Eddie didn't expect that, "How is everyone else? What's school like? I've tried not to think about it at all." 

  
"None of us have been back to school, well my aunt and Stan's parents tried to send us back after a day but we didn't last long, I have your back pack," Bev said, Eddie forgot he have it, "Mike is being home schooled again."

  
"No? Oh fuck... That's bullshit," Eddie said, "He spent so long trying to get into mainstream school and I've gone and fucked that up for him."

  
"Don't blame yourself, you're beginning to sound like Richie."

  
"Huh?"

  
"He's been mopey all week, it's the first time I've seen him, he's been hurting."

  
"Thanks for calling me out like that Bev." Richie tried to laugh but Eddie could hear the embarrassment in it.

  
"I have too Richie." Eddie said.

  
"Of course you have, you were literally beaten up Eds and..."

  
"No... it's nothing to do with my injuries," Eddie kept his eyes shut, "I was hurting over what I said to you, how I blamed you and yelled at you for kissing me."

  
"You don't need to bring that up, it's all good and forgotten, let the past be the past and..."

  
"Shut up for _five_ minutes will you?" Eddie snapped, "I don't _want_ to forget how you kissed me, I don't hate you because of it and I'm not mad, what I am mad about is how I never kissed you back and how I reacted." Richie's hand in his hair stopped moving, "I feel stupid that I let Sammy come between us, I let her blackmail me into leaving you guys alone because she had 'dirt' on me instead of just coming out to you guys, I should have known you all wouldn't have hated me but I was so scared and I feel so stupid for letting that fear take over me and for ever thinking you guys would choose her over me." Everything went silent, Richie still hadn't moved and Eddie was about to start yelling at them both to get out; he couldn't take this.

  
"You don't have to feel like that anymore Eddie," Beverly said, Eddie opened his eyes and looked up at his friend, "What she did to you was awful and inexcusable, Sammy is in the wrong, not you."

  
"What do you think is going to happen? With Sammy, I mean."

  
"I'm not sure Ben mentioned something about her being suspended but Bowers has gone.. I don't think he said anything about pressing charges..." Eddie shook his head.

  
"No, someone came here earlier in the week, my mom convinced me not to press chargers so that I didn't get anymore unwanted attention."

  
"That's awful..." Eddie shrugged.

  
"His dad is chief of police, I doubt he'd let him get off lightly."

  
"That's true..."

  
"I'm just glad he won't be at school, I don't think I could go back if he was, I'm still nervous about running into Sammy."

  
"We'll be right beside you Eddie, we won't let anyone hurt you, especially not her; you are braver than you think," Richie said, coming back to his senses, "You are so amazing and you can take on anything, I believe in you."

  
"Thank you Richie."

  
"I'm just telling the truth," Richie kissed his temple, Eddie felt himself flush, "You are so strong, I don't know if I'd even contemplate going back to school after something like this." 

  
"I can't stay at home, I need to get my grades so I can leave my mom and... And I'd miss seeing you guys everyday, I have a therapist I have to start seeing next week so... So I should be okay... Right?" 

  
"Yeah, of course you will," Richie held him closer, resting his chin on top of Eddie's head, "You're going to be great and I'm right here for you, I'm here for as long as you need me." 

  
"Me too," Bev's smile was warm, Eddie felt his problems melt away slightly, "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, is it through that door there?" She asked, pointing behind her.

  
"Yeah." Eddie said, smiling back as Bev laughed. 

  
"Thanks, thought I had better check before I go piss in a cupboard or something." 

  
"Nah, you're safe." Bev laughed again as she slid off the bed and walked around the bed to the bathroom. 

  
"How you feeling Eds?" Richie asked.

  
"Better." 

  
"I've missed you." 

  
"I've missed you too, so much..." Eddie moved to hold Richie's hand, linking their fingers together, "When I first woke up all I wanted was you, when mom said she told you to go away I was scared you'd stay away, I should have known it would be harder to get rid of you." 

  
"Damn right Spaghetti Man, I'll be here as long as you want me to be, Sonia can't stop me from seeing you." 

  
"God I really like you Richie." 

  
"I like you too doofus." 

  
"No, as in I really _like_ like you." 

  
"Oh..."

  
"I wasn't lying when I said Sammy's rumours were true," Eddie shifted in Richie's grip, moving so he could look at his best friend, "I love you." 

  
"_Oh..._" Richie's shocked look was quickly replaced with a wide smile that made Eddie's face light up, "I love you too Eds." 

  
"Fuck... I never thought I'd hear you say that." 

  
"I've been wanting to say it for a while." 

  
"Richie... I need to ask something from you." 

  
"Anything." 

  
"Please don't be upset, but would you be okay with waiting?" 

  
"For what?" 

  
"To be with me." 

  
"Huh?" Richie's wide smile slipped and Eddie wanted to change his mind but he knew he couldn't, he had to do this for himself. 

  
"I want to be your boyfriend but right now I'm not ready, this Bowers thing has... Affected me more than I thought and I also don't want to start a relationship while I'm stuck in hospital not being able to see you," Eddie looked down, "I know I must be giving mixed signals but..." 

  
"No." Eddie tensed up, he really thought Richie would understand. 

  
"What?" 

  
"Shit, no, I meant like no you're not giving mixed signals," Richie laughed awkwardly, "You're signals are just fine, I understand and if you need time I'm willing to give you all the time in the world; what you went through... It fucked _me_ up, I don't expect you to be okay enough to jumper straight into a relationship and that's okay." 

  
"So you're okay with waiting?" 

  
"For you? Always." Eddie smiled, looking back up at Richie. 

  
"Thank you." 

  
"There's no need." 

  
"I love you." Richie kissed his forehead. 

  
"I love you too."

  
That night, after Richie and Bev just managed to sneak out of the window before Sonia got back, Eddie felt okay. He wasn't brilliant, he knew it would take a while before feeling exactly like he used to, but he felt okay. He felt relieved that his friends didn't hate him, nervous for what the outside world had in store for him when he finally left the hospital but he felt secure in where his relationship with Richie was heading. 

  
For the first time in months, Eddie fell asleep with a smile on his face. 


End file.
